Sunday, August 23, 2009

A Great Weight Has Been Lifted From My Shoulders...

NO, I was not decapitated. Although it would be pretty impressive if I managed to operate a computer and type an emmy -award winning blog (hey, the ps3 won an emmy for its controller, I kid you not Proof ) without my noggin.

The weight that was removed was a bunch of mind-numbingly bad video games.

If you are not a jerk / jerkette, perhaps you rember this blog?

I sold off Soldier of Fortune: Payback quite awhile ago, but still had Madden NFL 06 for ps2 until today / yesterday (it is 3 am so technically it was yesterday, but still feels like the same day, you know what I am saying my fellow insomniacs? You Dont? Well Sir / Maam, you must be quite the poopsicle / poopsiclette !)

So, anyways... I visited a local / independent gaming store in San Francisco today. It is called star games and opened up last year. I just found out about it a few weeks ago and was eager to support a game store that wasnt owned by an evil corporation (*cough* gamestop and gamecrazy *cough*)

I had a backpack full of turd-like games that I needed to dispose of. They included these marvelous contributions to the gaming world! ( Intense Sarcasm)


Back to the Future 2 and 3

Who Framed Roger Rabbit

Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?

WWF WrestleMania


(I also brought excitebike. It is not bad but I already have the gba version)


Superman (Surely the greastest game ever made??? )

WCW Mayhem



Silent Scope

Socom (Not Trash like these other games, but I could not get into it.)

These craptastic games were cluttering up my apartment and I had decided to get rid of them once and for all. I thought that the guys / guyettes at this store would not buy back these terrible games, but I was wrong. They gave me 3 bucks a piece for about all those terrible nes games. They only gave me 1 dollar for some because they already had too many copies of them.

Also, Prepare yourself...

They Gave me money for this....

Look at his face! Even he is angry to be in this game! He even put a giant S on his chest which means "SUCKS"

Superman on N64

I received $3 dollars for this game. I still cannot believe this. I feel a little guilty to tell you the truth. I feel like I strangled an unsuspecting puppy or something. But o well, perhaps someone will buy it from them (bahahahahahahahahahah)

The guy said he couldn't take my copies of Socom and Madden NFL 06 for ps2 because they were too scratched (they sure were, thank you so much hollywood video customers) The thought of taking Madden NFL 06 back with me made me vomit a little in my mouth.

I started sweating profusely and felt lightheaded. My body could not handle that outcome. It seemed like it was revolting at the mere idea of me keeping that game. If I did keep it, I fear my body would refuse to function anymore. So, to save my own life I said "Well, you can have Socom and Madden Nfl 06 as a donation". I am so generous...

I am free of the curse of these wretched games! Unfortunately for this independent game store, Star Games now has both Madden NFL 06 and Superman on N64. I wouldn't at all be suprised to hear in the news that their store had spontaneously combusted ,or that an angry mob of video gamers had burned the store to the ground, or that having those 2 games in that store caused a portal to another dimension to open up ( a dimension where the only games ever made are Superman 64 and Madden NFL 06 ...)

Monday, August 17, 2009

When Rugs Attack! (I am lucky to be alive...)

I had the most epic battle of my life tonight. 2 ill-tempered rugs entered my room. I needed to tame these wild linty beasts and put them on my floor. They did not wish for this happen. So, we had to enter a life or death struggle.

My room that I live in is very tiny you see. My stuff was already strung about the room, meaning it would be no small feat to get these massive rug monsters subdued down on the floor.

Rug # 1 was the bigger of the two. He was 4.5 ft by 7.3ft and was rolled into a massive bundle of rugmatter that was as tall as me. He was straight from the horrifcly sinister store called walmart and was bold and fearless because of it. He had never been forced to lie on the floor with some guy's furniture on top of him and he was not about to let this happen without a fight. He was a mysterious rug as well. His label read "Fiber Content: Made of remnants of undetermined fiber content or orgin." Who knows what foul poisons this rug could contain. He could sicken me with poison at any moment's notice (whatever a little unknown fiber content poison is ok for a $15 rug)

But I had no more time to ponder the mysteries of Rug # 1's origins for he was charging at me full speed! The massive fabric monstrosity had been standing up vertically in his rolled up state. He had made the bold move to tip himself over and try to land a devastating blow to my skull. But it was not to be because I dodged his daring advance and he fell to the floor. Like a rug turtle turned upside down, Rug # 1 was helpless and could not stand up again. Seeing my opportunity, I leapt into action. I unsheathed my razor sharp dagger (5 dollar scissors) and sliced open the tape holding Rug # 1 together in his rolled up form. I started moving furniture left and right to clear space for the rug before he regained strength (My plan was to stick Rug # 1 under my mattress, trapping him for all eternity on my floor. My fantasies of toasty warm feet this winter now looked like a reality.). With the furniture moved all that was left was for me to flip the mattress against the wall and hold it up so it did not come down and crush me. If it did, I would be squashed into nothing more than a chunky red goo.

I tried unrolling the rug underneath the mattress but there was not enough room for Rug # 1! He laughed and taunted me, but I was determined to shut this ruggy mother ****ing rug up once and for all. While standing, I leaned over so I was looking at the floor. I pulled the mattress from the wall and put it up on my back. Now I had the extra few feet needed to pull the rug to the wall and seal his fate. However, this mattress was insanely heavy to balance on my back, so I had to move fast. With a few painful and draining tugs on the rug I managed to get him pulled up against the wall. I got the mattress off of my back and slammed it down on the rug. Oh, he stopped laughing now....

Rug # 2's rugjaw dropped. He could not believe his comrade (hey perhaps they are communist rugs) had been defeated. He was much smaller in stature than his fallen rugbuddy, but he made up for his lack of size by being a crazy tough son of a *****.

With the adrenaline still fresh in my veins from my first battle, I turned my attention to Rug # 2. I planned to use this jerk under my table/desk to catch the food that falls off of it when I am dining on my delicious microwavable meals. Knowing that Rug # 2 was a neat freak, I knew he would not take kindly to my plan. He would rather die than live as a food-stained rug!

Wasting no time, I leapt on top of Rug # 2 and held up each leg of the table and slid more of Rug # 2 under it. I moved so fast that Rug # 2 had no time to react and remained motionless. I got him all the way under the table and let the table's weight restrain him. I thought to myself, "that was too easy". I noticed that 2 legs of my table were still on the hardwood floor. Horrified, I realized that Rug # 2 was too skinny for my table !!!!!!!! I came up with a fast plan though. I could slice and dice Rug # 2 until I cut off a large piece of him. Then I could flip him around and my table would fit on part of his dismembered rugcorpse! I got out a tape measure to help me make a straight line and I used a black marker to outline my intended incision zone. I pulled out my trusty dagger ($5 dollare scissors) again. They had helped me defeat Rug # 1 so I was confident in their rug slaying abilities. Even though Rug # 2 was very thick I went to work with my dagger(scissors).

Snip, Snip Snip. I was making slow progress. Suprisingly, Rug # 2 was not crying out in agony like I had expected. He remained eerily silent and I should have realized that something was not right. Oblivious to this warning sign, I continued snipping away at Rug # 2. All of a sudden my dagger's handle (cheap plastic scissors remember?) exploded into countless pieces which flew across my room. Dumfounded, I gazed at my dagger(scissors) and saw that it was now useless. Rug # 2 snickered at me for being so foolish. "No one can cut through me!!!", he boasted. For the moment it seemed like all was lost, but I remembered that the weapons shop was still open even though it was 11 pm! I rushed to the weapons dealer (safeway) to pick up another dagger (scissors). However, I saw something much more powerful than a dagger (Yep,scissors. Did I emphasize that the dagger was a pair of scissors enough? I don't thik I did. THE DAGGER IS A PAIR OF SCISSORS!!!!). At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but they were not. The legendary weapon which had spawned in a mystical garden 1000s of years ago was hanging on a rack before me. I grabbed the pruning shears and headed back to Rug # 2. He was nearly free from the table which held him down and threatened to give me severely bad rug burns once he was free. I told him to shut his lint-filled mouth and whipped out my new amazing weapon. He was speechless because he knew that he was now doomed. I continued slicing along the line I had drawn on Rug # 2. These new pruning shears/ insanely powerful weapon let me cut Rug # 2 in half! Blood and guts (lots of ruggy lint) leaked out of him as the life drained from his fabric...

Drenched in sweat, covered in wounds from my epic showdown with the rug monsters, and glad to be alive, I sat down and played some Punchout on the NES! Punchout really is awesome. Its not quite as epic as my previous tale of rug slaughter, but it's close.

I sincerely apologize for this blog. If you managed to make it all the way through this stupid piece of crap, congratulations you get no reward besides knowing I managed to waste a few minutes of your life! woopee!

I did not get much sleep last night, so perhaps this ridiculous blog was influenced by that, or perhaps I am just a little insane.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

hOLy cRaP: tHeY aRe wAtChInG mE!

If you are a very paranoid person or find yourself on the verge of schitzophrenia you may not want to watch this...

After watching this I suggest taking a look at polsci's profile image (on to complete your loss of sanity due to paranoia.;user;1

This is a episode of nova that aired on pbs, you can watch the full episode here (theres a full screen mode too). (Yea thats right, I watch PBS, So fucking what!) It starts off talking about how crappy government agency bueracracies could have stopped 9-11, but since they have the mindsets of 5 year olds they refused to talk to each other because they wanted to get the attention for doing a good job.

This is also about some agency called the NSA. They are insane. You think you have privacy?? They burst into laughter until their undergarments are severely soiled with chuckle-induced, foul smelling, rear-end excrement when you think such a silly thought.

Sorry for the long run on sentences and terrible grammer but I have been up for 2 days with 5 hours sleep because I have been packing stuff and moving, o and I got a $4 svhs vcr today at a thrift store for any of you that know what that is, o and 5 hour energy made me really gassy today, o and I had in and out burger today and it was really quite delicious, o and if you actually finished this sentence you are a very patient person and should become a monk or something, o fine, here is a period to end this bestest mostest gramtically correct sentence everest (not the mountain everest, which I just read a book about recently it was called "into thin air" it was a decent read, but I mean the word ever + est , like it meant never - n + for in front of the word + the words out of in front of that, did all that math blow your mind?, it just blew my mine, pieces of it are all over the walls it is a real mess, didnt I promise to end this sentence a few lines ago?, I cant remember, o well) hey I think I have made a run-on paragraph, I did not know those existed, perhaps I created it with my sleep deprived genius, I am now a distinguished inventor apparently, Suck my balls Thomas Edison, time to run to the patent office.

Soon you will be like bart!

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