Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Terrible Journey into the Demon Infested Kingdom of Gamestoptaria.

So anways...Bah. I am like a gaming crackhead. I have been trying to avoid buying more games since I have little money coming in for myself, but stupid deals break down my defenses. is having a deal where all used games get you free shipping. So I bought Star Wars Battlefront ($12 complete) and Nascar Thunder 2004 (Don't laugh, it was for testing purposes. It was said to have a secret LAN mode that only shows up after you enter a code. I tried it and it works. It was only 4 bucks for a complete copy)

Soon after this, shamestop (gamesuck...gamestool...lamepool...tamedrool ...gameslop...lameslop...flamingplop...LOL, fine ok gamestop) sent me a sinister email declaring that the cruel and oppressive giant corporation was having a buy 2 get 1 free deal on used games. I felt like I was entering into a hostile place, a place rivaling the evil and hostility of the feared kingdom of Boleteria (If you get this reference to this PS3 game you are awesome) The trip to this terrible store of tortured games (who have been ripped of their dignity, their covers and manuals tossed away, leaving them naked, violated, confused. Now they are trapped in a horrible existence, stitting in generic plastic prisons created by the Gamestop corporation.) started out ominously. Their was a great rainstorm that made me have to drive extremely slowly and the roads were all but deserted. It seemed as if the general populice sensed that something was wrong about this gloomy night and hid away to protect their lives.

Once I arrived at the parking lot of this terrible establishment I had to walk swiftly from my car through the relentless pouring rain. This journey was only about 50 feet, but I was drenched to the bone after completing the brisk walk. Before even entering this death dealing gaming shop, I saw , to my horror, 2 sections of shelving sitting outside the store. As the distance between them and I inevitably shortened, I realized that my worst fears had come true. Contained on these shelves were nearly half of this merciless store's Playstation 2 stock. These poor wonderful contributions to the rich history of gaming were placed outside in a horrendous rainstorm with only a small part of the roof covering them from above. I examined these unfortunate fellows and as I had feared nearly all of them were completely drenched. The cases, cover art, and game manuals were all covered in foul smelling water. The proud identities of these games were fading from existence as the ink that made up the manuals and cover art ran off the paper...

I rummaged through the wounded and dying games. I knew most were too far near gaming death and I had to ignore their eery pleading stares and rescue the few games that were only mildly injured from the rain. I grabbed a few that were not yet mortally wounded and were able to be healed with some wipes from my sweater.

Emotionally scarred from the insane watery genocide I had witnessed, I stumbled into the store with my few liberated games. The warmth and dryness of the privileged games in this store only made my rage grow about their gaming brothers who were left for dead just feet away. But I realized I mustn't blame these fortunate games. It was not their fault, but the fault of the evil regime that ran this domain. I gathered up a stack of these dry games and brought them to the counter, a place where many poor games are sold into slavery by their Jack Ass owners. The strange creatures that stood behind this counter looked up at me. While looking into their blank stares, I informed these monsters about the condition of the games outside in the storm. They shrugged and said management told them to do that. So, these 2 masses of flesh in front of me were merely the footsoldiers of a stronger and hidden force...

A Gamestop Employee

A Gamestop Employee Emerging from A Refreshing "Sleeping" Period

These pawns of the gamestop corporation went about their task of finding the game discs for the cases I had brought to them. After a very long time, one of these teenage minions informed me that one of the game cases I had brought them had no disk behind the counter. "SUCH CRUEL TRICKERY", I thought to myself. But I restrained from voicing my rage, realizing this game was beyond saving and I should focus on saving another. I went and picked out another Playstation 2 game and brought it back to these evil employees. After yet another extremely long amount of time, this miniature satan informed me that once again the game for the case I had brought had apparently vanished. "These games are suffering so much that they must be escaping themselves", I thought. "But, without their artwork and manual, they would not last long in the outside world. A lone disc is a vulnerable object in the hostile realities of this bleak world." Again, I cautiously glanced through the store, hoping to find another video game to set free. I found a gameboy advance game and brought it back up to the counter. While operating the cash register, one containing a collection of cash earned through the annihilation of once noble games, I saw a box full of "$1.99 and under games". I looked through the dozens of EA sports and madden games, my expression changing to let these games know that even though they had committed their own atrocities towards gamers in the past, not even they deserved to be presented in paper sleeves like this.

I tried to connect with these strange beings behind the counter by nervously conversing with them. Saying, " I have never seen so many Madden games in my life" while pointing at the box of $1.99 and under games. The amoral employee let out a horrible laugh and said " I wish we could sell all the PS2 games in paper sleeves like that" Immediately, vomit rose up in the back of my throat. I realized that these former normal human beings had lost all traces of humanity now and were but empty shells dealing out the torturous destruction delegated to them by the rulers of the kingdom of Gamestoptaria.

All I could think about was getting out of this repuslive location, while the gamestop minion babbled on and on about taking a survery and being entered into a raffle for some dirty blood-soaked money. After my receipt was handed to me, I walked out of the store. I am a changed person. I shall never forget the things I saw this day. My grateful liberated games will always remind me of why I must avoid this place for as long as I can. But deep down I know, that there is a sick dark side of me that may overtake my sensibilities and con me into returning once again....

Games Liberated From The Kingdom of Gamestoptaria



Alien Hominid

Sega Classics Collection

Medal of Honor Frontline

Onimusha 2: Samurai's Destiny

Max Payne

Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven


Konami Collector's Series: Arcade Advanced

Classic NES Series: Castlevania

I may have hated the cruelty of this sick twisted kingdom of Gamestoptaria , but I am no angel or similar bird-like dead guy. I sold HAZE to these monsters. I hated the game so much that I have commited this terrible atrocitiy in order to ensure the game has a long period of unbearable torture at the hands of Gamestoptaria's demons.

Hopefully though, the unprecedented terribleness of HAZE can slowly eat away at the foundation of this vile kingdom, causing it to one day collapse on top of itself from the rapid manner in which the ASSHATical disease contained in HAZE has spread.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

A Vile Rant About Haze (PS3)

So.... I bought a used copy of Haze for PS3 on Black Friday for 8 dollars. I knew it was going to bad, but I thought reviewers were just punishing the game for the hype with their very low reviews. Free Radical, the developers, have made some of my favorite First Person Shooters ever (Timesplitters Series), so I felt like I had to feed my curiosity and see if it was true that such awesome developers could really make something so many people hate with a deep passion.

Well I played this game 5 or 6 hours and I could not stand any more of it. After coming to the realization that spending any more time with this game would make me vomit and crap myself uncontrolably, resulting in a very unpleasant and smelly death, I talked to this crazy guy on msn (Nosferatu1922) who I frequently talk with about my gaming adventures. I had mainly got this game so we could play it's online co- op mode.

I was going to make a big huge rant just for my blog, but after making this spontaneous one in msn I was too drained and discombobulated to write another.

I also should note I woke up at 5 am this morning and had 4 hours sleep before that. Sleep deprivation always leads to my most scholarly and G-rated blogs doesn't it?...

Some Spoilers about the TURDgame Haze are in this rant, so you have been warned.

Also, since I am sleep deprived in this, very angry at wasting 5 or 6 HAZEY POOPNUGGETY hours of my life playing this... I say a lot of random and potentionally offensive crap. So you have been warned about that too lol.

This Rant has lots of cursing and potentially offensive and hilarious junk in it. So, read at your own risk people.

*help says (11:36 PM):
*wow haze...
*the single player is terrible

*ive played a few more hours
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (11:37 PM):
*fucking boring as hell
*there was like 20 mins of the game when it was intersting when u switch sides, but thats it
*im near the end I think
*moving a fucking retard missle
*i hope im almost done
*i wont be able to play this shit online co op
*its terrible
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:38 PM):
*we shall make it interesting
*with backstabbing goodness
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (11:38 PM):
*its fucking as bad or worse than army of 2...
*free radical....
*where u on crack
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:38 PM):
*bull shit
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (11:38 PM):
*its bad man
*really bad
*i wanted to like it
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:39 PM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (11:39 PM):
*its fucking repetiive, and the gunplay is just boring
*ugh free radical has betrayed me
*this game
*imagine if I paid 60 for it haha
*I would commint a mass murder
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:40 PM):
*we need to at least try it
*also i dont think your even close to the end
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:41 PM):
*if your moving the missle...
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:42 PM):
*i think your about 1/2 way
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (11:49 PM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:29 AM):
*im halfway....
*dear zombie jesys
*i give up
*fuck this game
*it shall be sold back
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:29 AM):
*would you like one of these ---->
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:29 AM):
*yeas that is what i mean
nosferatu1922(tpfp) is sending a soun*.
Action: Play "Come On!". Show in Panel: Show
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:29 AM):
*i hate this more than army of 2 i think
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:30 AM):
*no way in hell am i playing the co op
*fuck this game
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:30 AM):
*we need to at least try and play haze in coop
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:30 AM):
*fuck it
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:30 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:30 AM):
*its terrible
*I refuse sir
*its too bad
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:30 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:30 AM):
*I would rather put a pineapple up my ass then play any more of this game
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:30 AM):
*you aint no hitler >.>
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:31 AM):
*but man
*this is soo bad
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:31 AM):
*whats so bad about it
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:31 AM):
*I thought people were exagerating
*its so fucking shitty
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:31 AM):
*its a reletively average shooter
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:31 AM):
*boring ass repetive combat
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:31 AM):
*pretend your playing it on the ps2
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:31 AM):
*long pointless walks to artificially lengthen the game
*no sprint
*so you walk even slower
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:31 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:31 AM):
*fucking 2 enemy types...
*boring ass weapns
*boring ass everything
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:32 AM):
*the only cool part was when he trips out and shoots up the mantel people
*after that its just awful again
*I am sorry to say this but free radical deserved to go bankrupt after making this fecal berry
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:33 AM):
*okay, lets go burn our copys of tsp3 then
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:33 AM):
*no fuck that, you know what I mean
*their money problems were warranted
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:34 AM):
*this game was total ass in video game form
*not good ass
*stink 500 pound hairy stretch mark covered ass
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:34 AM):
*so more cushin for the pushin?
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:34 AM):
*man this game
*its as bad as soldier of fortune payback
*army of 2 was better
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:35 AM):
*what the hell
*you need to calm down
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:35 AM):
*ughhhhhhhhhh you dissapoint me free radical
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:35 AM):
*it was average
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:35 AM):
*I must go exectue an innocent money now as revenge
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:35 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:35 AM):
*its was bad
*below average
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:36 AM):
*it wasnt unplayable or broken
*but it was boring as hell
*its like a 5.5 out of 10
*6 out of 10 max
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:36 AM):
*you need to crank up the difficulty then
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:36 AM):
*maybe, but even then it would be boring as hell
*their is no strategy to the combat
*just run at them and hold down the trigger or wait for them to do the same to u
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:37 AM):
*2 enemy types??!?!?!
*boring as hell
*crappy ass vehicle handling
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:37 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:37 AM):
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:37 AM):
*well lets play coop
*or tommarowazcdjaklfn
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help is sending a soun*.
Action: Play "M16"
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:38 AM):
*I will put a bullet in my skull before that occurs
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:38 AM):
*yes we will be shooting people with guns in the game
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:38 AM):
*I am selling this game back as soon as possible
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:38 AM):
*did you even play multi?
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:38 AM):
*it was meh
*wasnt terrible
*but not good either
*was just a nade spamfest and teamkill fest
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:39 AM):
*and the mantel trooper just rape the rebels every time
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:39 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:39 AM):
*i only played like 30 mins of a team mode
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:39 AM):
*rebels allways ussually wins
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:39 AM):
*but I really have no interest to try it anymore
*lets just wait until i get cod5 , then we can online co op
*because this shit is shit
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:40 AM):
** Come on!
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:40 AM):
*lol I am mad I payed 8 dollars for this
*it is worth 1 dollar
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:41 AM):
*coop is worht 7 more dollaersz
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:41 AM):
*and that is only for the meh multiplayer
*that single player
*i cant imagine co op being fun
*same shit game
*just with 2 people now
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:41 AM):
*4 peoplez
*on insane mode
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:41 AM):
*so, now its just a crowded shit game
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:41 AM):
*with flamethrower
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:42 AM):
*stop defending this game, deep down in your evil cold black heart you know this game is a steaming pile of rancid horse maneur
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:43 AM):
*heh, you care if I post this in my blog
*THis convo
*about my hatred for the game
*I was going to rant about it in the blog
*but already did it ehre
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:43 AM):
*i say its an average shooter and with the price you pay for it nowadays makes for a great experienc
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:43 AM):
*I refuse
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:43 AM):
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:44 AM):
*hey so u care if ur im name is in my blog, since your paraonid in all
nosferatu1922(tpfp) says (12:44 AM):
*i say its better then halo 1 & 2 PUT TOGETHER
Scott/LazyHoboGuy/WormAssassin *help says (12:44 AM):
*or I can change your name to something else like "retardwholikeshazeforsomestrangereaston"

If you made it through this vile trash.... You are a very strong willed person and deserve a treat. Well it is also just as vile lol. But you know the risks of reading my blog, so I blame only YOU.

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