Sunday, October 3, 2010

Some games I have been playing.

Unreal Tournament 3

I am a console gamer primarily. I do not enjoy PC controls for first person shooters as they cramp up my boney long fingers. So no matter how superior PC mouse and keyboard controls may be for shooters, if they cramp my hands up I dont give a rat's possibly plague-ridden behind about them.

So as a consequence, I had never really played an unreal game. It is a series that is for PC gamers primarily and I had heard there were some decent console ports of some of the games in the series, but I never got around to trying them. My friend kept urging me to pick up this game and I finally did. I am quite happy I purchased it. The multiplayer in this game is so refreshing to me. Like the weapons are creative. There are so many nutty weapons that just make me happy when using them. It is nice to play with unrealistic weapons after playing so many realistic games with generic military guns. This game, on the other hand, has tons of awesome digital death hastening aids. There is a biorifle which shoots balls of toxic sludge. There is a rocket launcher that can shoot 3 rockets at once or shoot 3 grenades. There is a combo rocket launcher/shotgun gun. There is that cool gun that shoots a ball of energy and if you hit it with another shot it makes a huge explosion. Even the default pistol (enforcer) is freaking fun to use.

Also, this game actually has bots! The bots in the game's multiplayer arent actually brain damaged like in a lot of FPSes! I can play hours just fighting swarms of these surprisingly challenging bots! Also, the online mode of this game is just as fun. The one con for controller users like myself is that a lot of online players use keyboard and mouse setups and woop your ass because of it. You can try to find controller only matches, but there arent many. Oh well, the bot multiplayer alone in this game is worth the purchase price.

The single player is pretth meh. It is basically just a bunch of bot batches loosely strung together by some cheesy story.

This game's multiplayer just has a really fun addicting quality to it that I have not experienced in a shooter in a long time. Compared to all the realistic shooters that basically are centered around camping this game is just extremely refeshing.

There is one thing that drives me absolutely to the point of gaming nerd rage in the online mode though. You can have bots in the online mode of the game (a great feature), but the developers made no visual distinction between the names of bots and real players. So most times I have no idea if I am facing bots or real people. Like some of the bot names sound like typical psn usernames. This starts to get really annoying because if they had just put a little bot symbol or highlighted each bot name this annoyance could have been solved in like 5 minutes of development time probably.

Urban Chaos: Riot Response (PS2)

I used to play this a ton 2 or 3 years ago, but hadn't touched it since. Recently I started replaying it, and to my surprise this game still holds up and is very fun.

This was developed by Rocksteady. They developed that new batman game that everybody seems to be in love with, although I have not played it myself.

This game features a unique gameplay twist to the first person shooter genre. The game is based around your use of a riot shield. Basically, if you dont want to die very quickly, you need to hold up your shield. It can block bullets, knives, fire, etc. But you cannot shoot while you have it up and bullets knock you backwards when it hits your shield. Also, if you bash in peoples faces with it blood will get all over it and obstruct your view. The more it gets shot up too, the harder it is to see through it. You can toss some weapons over the shield like grenades and knives however.

This game is also a blast to play because its just so over the top. The enemy in the game is a bunch of crazed lunatic gang members who all wear hockey masks. They regularly shout hilarious insults and obscenities at you throughout the game. This game also has some cheesy real life newscast type of intros for the levels which is kind of cool.

One negative I must mention though, is that this game's frame rate is not the best. It is not an unplayable game because of its frame rate problems, but it is pretty noticeable that the frame rate is frequently not too smooth.

I uploaded some gameplay footage of this game:

Also I uploaded some footage of me just being a huge asshat towards the friendly A.I. characters in the game:

I shall end this blog in a disgraceful spammy nature

Another long time Playstation 2 online and PS2 LAN tunneling (with Xlink Kai) user and I recently created a website called:

The purpose of this site is to make it easy for Playstation 2 online gamers to meet up and schedule some online vidya games. Also, we use the website to plan LAN tunneling matches using a program called XLink Kai (their website). Xlink Kai is a program that runs on your PC that allows you to play Playstation 2 games online basically forever since it tricks the games LAN mode into thinking other players across the internet are playing with you. So if any of you are interested in PS2 online gaming or in trying to LAN tunnel Playstation 2 games, check out this site!

Otherwise I am afraid to inform you that this cute little man eating freak of nature will have to take a bite out of your ass.

Damn you google image search. Why must you show me disturbing images every time I use you. I was just searching for an innocent picture of a kitten. Instead I get this thing. Well I was searching for that innocent kitten picture so that I could threaten to fart on it if you did not visit the above website, but still.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Asscramps and Mirror's Edge impressions.


Was looking for a picture from that episode where Homer's ass leaves an indentation in the couch cushion. Couldn't find it, so look at this instead. Also, the new google image layout is freaking horrible. It looks like a crappy photobucket album.

My ass has been cramping up the last few days. I had not been doing anything different really. These uncomfortable nagging aches located in my buttocks were starting to greatly annoy me. After some stellar detective work, I discovered the culprit for my butt pain. The ass cushion on my computer chair is finally starting to get worn enough that when I sit on it my ass sinks through the aging cushion and hits the hard bottom of the chair. This displeases me greatly. This computer chair is only 2 years old. I guess now I must go buy a pillow specifically for placing under my ass when sitting on this chair. A lifetime of lying beneath my ass surely will be a horrible and smelly existence for that poor unfortunate pillow. I often am quite gassy…

If you are ready for some news not related to my ass, please continue on with the blog. If for some strange reason you want to gain a deeper understanding about my ass's daily exploits, please reread the preceding paragraph.


I have finally reached the point where I have too many consoles in my room to have them all hooked up at once. My composite switches are full, so when I got the dreamcast it had just been sitting all lonely in a corner of my room unhooked from the tv. I really wanted to play it, so I had to decide on which one of my currently hooked up consoles to disconnect for now. It was a tough decision to make, but my SNES was chosen to be unhooked. I have not been playing it really at all since I am still far from done exploring the NES's gaming library. Plus, I need a controller extension wire for the SNES before I can really play it. Well I could play it without it, but I would have to sit like 2 feet from the tv.

Well I haven't blogged in forever really about what I have been playing. I have been jumping around from a lot of different games this summer. I got readdicted to Demon's Souls for 2 weeks and went from like level 5-60 in that period. I started a new character for my third playthrough of the game. I wanted to focus on magic more this time, so I picked a magician. It sure was nice starting off with a ranged attack. For my first character I started off as a barbarian who was only armed with a club.

Mirror's Edge

I also finally starting playing Mirror's Edge on PS3. I had remembered enjoying the demo a lot for this game so I purchased this game for 12 dollars new off amazon a few months back. I have played this game for several hours so far and I can kind of see why this game is so cheap now. The game is very unique, has a colorful environment, and in certain situations can be very fun to play. However, a lot of the time the problems in this game overtake the positive aspects of it and the game eft me extremely frustrated and disappointed with it.

The gameplay in this game has you basically running fast, jumping across rooftops, sliding down stuff, and combining these types of moves to quickly get to some intended area in the game.

In levels that are designed good the game is a lot of fun, but far too often you are repetively slowly climbing over fences or pipes, or you have really no idea where you are supposed to go. Like, the game highlights small areas red to show you where you need to go. This works well since the environment is mostly white. The problem is that most of the time the object you need to jump on or grab doesn't turn red until you are like 6 inches in front of it…

Another problem I have with this game. The combat is just plain awful. For some reason DICE, the developers, felt that horrible gunplay and melee fighting was needed in this game. Way too often you are having lots of fun jumping and sliding over stuff, but then you run into a pack of 5 guys with machine guns who mow you down in seconds since the fighting controls are so crappy.

Due to all these annoyances, I have taken a break from the game. I knew this game had a lot of problems before I played, so I think I can deal with them and finish the game. I just hope in the sequel that they iron out the numerous annoying problems in the game. I am still shocked that EA published a new creative type of game, so I can understand how things turned out not completely perfect in it.

Errr well, the blog is already starting to get a bit long, so I will end it here. I have been playing too many games lately so this blog could go on forever if I don't stop it now.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Drunkness to kill boredom = rambling blog about boredom survival

IT has been over a month since my last blog. Deal with it.

I am normally not one to partake in the mood altering mind boggling effects of alcoholic beverages, but since I am house sitting for my parents for over a week I needed some cheap entertainment. You see, there is no cable television or decent caliber of internet speed here. I brought few video games with me because I planned to only stay for a mere 3 or 4 days. However, it was requested of me that I stay for nearly 2 weeks, so now I am trapped here with only a very small number of NES games and GC games. Boredom has constantly been on the offensive, trying to destroy my very existence. It nearly had won its nefariously started war, but I managed to trick the sly beast of boredom with an expertly blended amount of cheapness powers.

Here is a list of items needed to follow my now proven winning strategy to combat cruel mind- deflating boredom.

Item 1: Used Dreamcast from a thrift store for 25 bucks.

It came with a fishing controller, a normal controller and all wires. I also picked up a demo disc of several Dreamcast games for 2 bucks. This disc helped me confirm that the Sega Dreamcast indeed did function at the optimal level I expected of such a console. Unfortunately, it also has tormented my soul or whatever you may call a persons inner essence or imaginary sense of being. These brief glimpses of potentially amazing or mediocre games that are momentarily forced into my brain's consideration are such a tease. I cannot help but want to play the complete games to reach an ultimate conclusion on whether each game will deserve to hold a coveted and respected spot in my permanent gaming collection.

Item 2: Megadeth CD "Cryptic Writings"

Which is currently playing on the before mentioned Dreamcast with the additional aid of a 14 inch television set which has finally found a way to make up for its unimpressive screen size. Here is a fun fact that I recently just discovered. Playing CDs on the Dreamcast results in the display of a spinning CD on your television screen. This swiftly revolving virtual representation of a compact disc is split into 2 magical halves of separate yet equally intriguing colors. One is white and one is red. A hole in the middle of a CD is shown as well. This hole in the direct center of the spinning CD, in addition to the two perhaps merely coincidental combination of colors, cannot help but stir up a thought in my mind. This image flaunted before me brings up memories of a Poke Ball. If I was Dale Gribble, I would launch into countless conspiracy theories in a sort of deranged attempt to justify this eerie occurrence. If I truly was Dale Gribble, the potential spreading of the already frighteningly powerful influence of the world of Pokemon would be of immense concern to me. I am not Dale Gribble ,however, so I am left on my own to wonder what this strange visual sign means….

Get the hell away from my newly acquired used Dreamcast you Pokefreaks!!!!!!

Item 3: "5 Hour Energy"

The purpose this aquiring this bottle, which is full of a mixed batch of potential future positive and negative consequences, is to keep me awake after being up for more than 24 hours in my crazy reckless near impossible mission to return my sleep schedule to a normal state of affairs.

Item 4: $3 Vodka!!!!!!!

Really. It cost freaking 3 dollars. I cannot believe this still. It is 3 dollar vodka for 3 dollars! For a mere 300 pennies I have acquired one of the finest and fanciest varieties of Vodka available in this fine United States of America. The name of this brand of vodka, one containing an epic amount of quality formerly unknown to my simple mind, a mind which was in the past and probably in the future still will be an irregular partaker in the realm of gulping down alcoholic beverages, is eloquently stated as " VIP Select Premium Vodka" .Does that packaging look like it's made of glass to you? I hate to inform you but it just isn't. It is created from cheap plastic like that found in a water bottle. The cap is like a twist off 2-liter bottle of soda cap. C-lassy isn't it?

Item 5:
Something to drown out the taste of a horrible tasting and previously unwisely praised 3 dollar Vodka. This miracle drink would be called Orange Juice.

I did not notice this in the store but apparently the particular type of orange juice that I acquired contains

"Juicy Rewards". I was for quite a long moment of time terribly confused as to the meaning of this strange trademarked slogan that covered the front of my carton of liquefied oranges. Through expert detective work ( 5 minutes of reading random different parts of the box in a drunken frenzy) I discovered that a mystical code of numbers and letters lived beneath the cap of this purchased box of once solid oranges. Apparently, if you are some sort of crazy hoarder person that collects millions of these things you can in about twenty or thirty years earn enough magical beneath the cap points to acquire some prize. I can only guess the prizes are plastic and made in sweatshops overseas and worth about 30cents. Good job I guess Tropicana…….

Conclusion to the Blog??!?!?!?!?!?

While a normal person would at this point in this blog realize that enough nonsense had already been unleashed onto the poor unlucky readers of this massacre of the whole notion of writing in a decent manner,
you obviously fail to realize that I am an AssHat sometimes. No, I do not mean that my Ass gets chilly and requires a hefty cap for warmth on occasion. Nor do I mean that my head is often adorned with an Ass shaped hat. I mean that I am an AssHat. An AssHat like myself is a person that can be so uttterly ridiculous that merely calling them an Ass does not suffice to convey the magnitude of their treachery. NO! An extra word is desperately needed to be joined to the word Ass. That word is Hat. It shows that I am no mere Ass, but an Ass that needs the word Hat also attached to that already vile word. I am sure that must have cleared up the meaning of the word AssHat for you now. If it is still not clear to you, perhaps it because I am an AssHat and my explanations about my nature cannot be trusted?

So, anyways. Unfortunately for you, my blog shall continue for no valid reason. Deal with this as you see fit. Pull out your hair, punch a wall, throw a barrage of uncooked eggs at those in life who you dislike. I do not care how you react or overact to the news that this already lengthy blog is not coming to a desperately wished for halt. But you must find some way to deal with it, because onward this blog continues to flow….

Welcome to the drunk ramblings of a lazyhobodrunk. Enjoy them or swiftly fly your mindplane into the inescapable airspace of insanity. I was obviously quite drunk when this was written. Soo dont expect that there them fancy grammmmarz. I did do quite a bit of editing just to make it readable though since drunkness means lots of tpos. See how nice I am?

ME: bwag
ME: up on 5 hour energy and 3 dollar vodka
DG:3 dollar vodka
DG:wow ure cheap
DG:soem skoal?
ME: lmao its the cheapest shit ever
ME: cant believe it
ME: its so bad
ME: like the case is plastic
ME: has a twist off cap
ME: like a bottle of soda
ME: lmao
ME: 3 bucks!
DG:lol well yea
ME: wat a deal
DG:thahts what cheap alcohol comes in
ME: mix with orange juice
ME: nasty taste erased
DG:i could never get into that mix
DG:didnt liek it
DG:its better with coke
ME: its basically just to water it down
ME: water works the same lol
DG:lol eww no
ME: i like orange juice normally
ME: so good combo
DG:best combo
DG:rum and coke
DG:if u use the right amount
ME: im so bored here I actually bought some 3 dollar
vodka lmao
DG:u cnt taste any alcohol

ME: want skype

ME: so u can hear me be stupid.

ME: rambled at [Some guy, name changed for anonymity] for awhile before lol
DG:lmao wow
ME: I am not very drunk really, just like 2 or 3 shots
DG:u pussy
ME: I am part irish so doesnt affect me that much
ME: lol
DG:u better take at least 2 more shots
ME: well I had 3 shots earlier
ME: just had 2 more now
DG: Or else whatst he point in drinking cheap liquore
ME: wears off too quickf
ME: forgot that about vodka
ME: last like an hour
DG:tats why u gotta drink a ton really fast
DG:then it lasts, lol
ME: but still like better than beer or something that
gets you really full and feeling like a fat texan gut man
DG:lol well good beer
DG:can get u pretty messed up fast
ME: meh, but it taste like ass, unless u drink slow
with some food
DG:nah its just an aquired taste,plus good beer taste
better than any regular shit.
DG:i have tried many varieties
DG:i know
ME: yeaq i dont drink much beer
ME: so probably just not used to it
ME: like hank
DG:hank only drinks one kind
ME: regular alchohol purchases cost too much anyways
ME: im too cheap for that
DG:he is not cultured
ME: id drink some cool tasty alamaos though
ME: see wat all the arlen folk fuss is about
DG:lol some company needs to make alomo beer
ME: if its good enough for the assistant manager at
strickland propane its sure as heck good enough for me god dangit
ME: lol this vodka is made in usa
ME: see supporting my country
ME: patriotism
ME: and all that shit.
DG:thats how u know it sucks
ME: hopefully I am supporting small town alren folk
DG:the only good alcohol is importer
ME: who make the vodka from rotten potatoes
ME: meh u just say that cus ur part polish
DG:no really
ME: all vodka ive tried taste like ass pretty much
DG:theres a polish vodka
DG:made from potatoes
ME: but I like it cus it gets u drunk squick
ME: without nasty beer full gut feeling
DG:too bad you dont live in the midwest
DG:the store i work at
DG:has their own brand of vodka
DG:and its amazing
ME: lol I think this was a store brand
ME: it has a funny generic name
DG:the kind from jewel is called frost
DG:and theres liek a million flavors of it
ME: I am blasting some megadeth from my dreamcast and
ME: dreamcast already paying off
ME: no dvd player back here
ME: had to improvise
ME: computer has trouble reading dics
ME: ty dreamcast!
ME: winning over my gamer heart already
ME: and the art stuff when music plays looks funny
ME: shows a cd spinning
ME: is red on one half and white on the other
ME: looks like a pokeball
ME: it does
ME: ash ketchup is playing my music
ME: finally is doing something right
ME: Fuck trying to find microsoft word so I can write
a stupid drunk person blog
ME: cant fucking find it ugh
ME: ah nvm
ME: found it
ME: no fucking shortcut on this shit pc
ME: god dammit opened meebo twice and didn't realize
ME: like thought why the fuck did aim close
DG:because ur using windows
ME: god ddammit
ME: been trying to upload some pics to photobucket for
like 20 mins
ME: accidentally opened up a new set of tabs so
photobucket deissapeared it seemed
ME: but it was just hiding in tab set 2
DG: ohrly?
ME: myep
ME: god damn tho
ME: 300 dollar vodka is such a deal
ME: its only half gone
ME: and I am semi pretty drunk right now
ME: 3 bucks!
ME: fuck yea
DG:lol im not that cheap
ME: didnt know u could vodka that cheap until today
DG:how do u think homeless people get drunk?
ME: my stomach will probably catapult from my mouth
ME: but it was worth it for the amazing savings I
DG:just eat some food
DG:ull be good
ME: yea I been drinking much aqua and comida with las
muchas cheapas vodkas made in americas
ME: wat a fucking amazing idea; though
ME: the usa economy should see a swift rebound
immediately me thinks if the american entrepreneur keeps up this level of ingenuity
ME: 3 dollar vodka! fuckyea
ME: USA! USa! UsA!
ME: well I am on a combo of 5 hour energy, mexican burritos, and vodka right now
ME: so sorry for this
ME: but its fun for me at least
ME: passing the time
ME: got a week left of severe mind shitting on boredeom left

DG:go back and buy a handle of cheap vodka

ME: this week shall live in infamy for its intense unforgivable boredeom

ME: a handle?
ME: wat does that mean
DG:that will keep u busey the rest of the week
DG:a handle=
DG:the big ass containers
DG:because they have handles
ME: is that sly street talk which I do not currently obtain an understanding of
ME: ahhh
ME: I see
ME: well that shit would cost money
ME: 3 dollar vodka is only 3 dollars
DG:if u get cheap shit
ME: so it wins the competition
DG:u could get a handle for like
DG:handles are usually like
ME: meeeeehhhhhhhhhhhh
DG:almost 2 liters
ME: 15 bucks is big spender amounts of cash
ME: I needz a job for that kind of elaborate and insane spending of american currency
DG:i need to get some liquor
DG:i havnt had any hard stuff in forever
DG:but im rich now
DG:so i need to indulge while i can, lol
ME: cheap price for cheap alchochol for my cheapo self works perfectly enough for me at the moment unless it gives me a not so perfect infection of the unperfect AIDS disease
DG:its still cheap
DG:ure buying in volume
DG:instead of just small amounts
DG:thats why homeless ppl stay homeless

ME: then the deal I gained in the short term would be a lie to cover up the long term suckage of AIDS

DG:they dont realize they could save money by buying alcohol in bigger containers
ME: Well I am not a drunk yet so I dont need 15 bucks of vodka
ME: 15 bucks could buy you lots of other better stuff
ME: like a jetpack
ME: fuck yea, it wouldnt work good tho, but bet u could get one
ME: ud probably die in a horrific gory crash
ME: but it would be a pretty fucking sweet way to go
ME: death by jetpack
ME: see when I get old I will go out by getting on a jetpack naked and flying around pooing on people like a seagull. It would be quite hilarious. Until the airforce knocks me from the stratosphere with a ballistic missile
ME: but fuck them
ME: I will have my fun beforehand
ME: or perhaps I would be an extremely agile old geezer who could at the moment before the balistic missile hits him could use his unprecedented agility to get on top of the missile and ride it, taking advantage of its already in progress expulsion of kinectic energy!
ME: muahahah
ME: then I could rain old man turd from the skies at supersonic speed!
ME: just imagine!
ME: I know Hank Hill would disapprove because poo landing on Arlen's location for propane selling would be covered with a brown layer of unpleasantness, but my dream must be realized before my death
ME: lol
ME: god damn sorry
ME: rambling mess is full of ramblings
DG:its da truf
ME: watever though, I dont care, you spam my eardrums with horrible disney music over skype all the time, so I should not be apologizing for this brilliant stupidness
ME: Fuck yea, megadeath on my dreamcast, then TV sounds pretty bad ass when drunk
ME: Fuck yea
ME: well you dont like metal
ME: so you cant appreciate the awesomeness I am currently experiencing
ME: this little tiny screened tv actually has some deceivingly powerful tiny stereo speakers
ME: its like 14 inches or some shit close to that
ME: dont just a tv by its screen apparently
ME: moral of the story
ME: bwaaaaaaaaaaah
ME: See , I know my defense to your skype rapeage of my ears with horrible music you like for some reason, just drink 3 dollar vodka and my brilliance is too much for you to handle

ME: and you know it
DG:the tv next to my computer
DG:is prolly smaller
ME: I doubt it
ME: this shit is ridiculous
ME: gotta sit right in front of it to play any games
ME: otherwise my eyes bleed salty angry tears of defiance to the unreasonably small portrayal of video gaming images
ME: lets get out a tape measure and measure this shit tv for proof then
DG:i just did
DG:its actually 14 inches
DG:so its a tie
DG:but my tv is mono
DG:so u win
ME: lmao, mine is too, I am an electronic psychic apparently, mine is 14 inches
ME: the sound is pretty good for a 14 inch tube television then though
DG:i dont think uve ever heard good sound
DG:so that means nothing
ME: lol probably some merit to that statement
ME: but ignorance is bliss sometimes
ME: if i was spoiled by ur magical surround sounds I would probably have to rip off my ears from these tiny speakers. However, since I have only have had the pleasure to hear meager speakers throughout my experienecs with the various electronics gizmos available to me currently my mind has not been forever spoiled and corrupted with the sublime amounts of sound quality emitted from more deluxe versions of the electronic gizmos that you have managed to somehow aquire.
DG:cause im magic
ME: lol
ME: untill ur cat pisses all over ur magic boxes of dolby surrond sound and forever ruins them
ME: speaking of pissing, brb
ME: gotta pee
ME: if that was not already obvious
ME: charcoal or propane
ME: pick onw
ME: *now
ME: or be forsaken
ME: a wise choice young laddie
ME: propane is a special gas that treats you fairly when you contain the wisdom to remain loyal to it
ME: but the spirit of rebellion can lead you to seek out the dark side of the barbecue spectrum
ME: the wicked charcoal has stolen the innocence of many a great propane salesman

ME: it is a substance that has repeatedly shown through its treacherous history that it cannot be trsted
ME: Hey
ME: You
ME: guy
ME: I tell you what
ME: hows about you agree to let me stick this convo in my blog. You are certainly free to refuse this request as we do live in the noble free democracy of the United States of NOrthern America, however choosing this particular decision would result in me having to initiate a lifelong banning of the selling of propane and propane accessories to you.
ME: A fate that not even the most wretched beings in Arlen Texas would want to be subscribed too when it comes to my humble opinion.
ME: You may be thinking that a switch to charcoal would not be that bad, but I guarantee to you that making this unwise decision inevitably would catch up with you and reek havoc on your intended life course.
DG: oh i know
ME: So what shall your answer be good sire?
ME: Lifelong prosperity with the aid of lady propane at your side?
ME: Or a future of despair and terrible unspeakable possibilities because of a rebellious, stupid in restrospect decision to risk everything with the use of the evil substance of charcoal?
DG:do w/e u want i guess since its just a s/n
ME: Well I can hide your identity with a clever alias if thou wishes.
ME: Simply pick a name or creative word or group of letters to represent your identity.
DG:pick what ever you want
DG:dale gribble
ME: Alrighty then. I tell you what, that will shall be done.
ME: The vodka is starting to finally wear off I think
ME: Still got about half of it left for the rest of this boring week fortunately though.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Bought a Xbox 1, Bought first Guitar Hero Game, and playing some cool games.

I have been feeling lazy, so consequently, I have not felt like writing many blogs lately as you may have noticed. I have been getting in a lot of gaming lately though and that is probably why I have not felt like blogging. Sometimes I end up reading and writing about gaming more than I actually end up playing games. Lately that trend has shifted. Since it's been awhile since my last blog, I will just fill you in on what's been up.

The biggest gaming news of mine is that I finally rebought a Xbox 1 console. I owned one for about a year around the time halo2 came out, but then it got stolen by some dirty asshats. I had forgotten how freaking heavy and huge this thing is. I mean just holy crap. Next to my slim ps2 it looks like a freaking monstrosity.

The place I bought this from online has a shrink wrap fetish. They shrink wrapped the console, its wires, and the controller. Their shrink wrap leaves a grease behind too which is annoying.

So because of the arrival of the xbox I now have 7 consoles hooked up to a tv or my pc moniter in my tiny room. (Playstation 2, Playstation 3, Gamecube, SNES, NES, N64, and Xbox)

I payed 60 bucks for the console and a controller. It is used and cost about 10 bucks more than I could get one on ebay, but mine came with a 90 day warranty against defects. So spending that extra 10 bucks was hard for a cheapo like me, but made sense in the long run. One of my main motivations to rebuy a Xbox was because of its online capabilities. I knew Xbox Live was already dead for the console, but I never intended to use that anyways. I use Xlink Kai which is a LAN tunneling program that lets you play certain games online forever basically.

So, the first games I bought were ones that could be played online through this method.

Doom 3
Halo: Combat Evolved
Halo 2
Rallisport Challenge 2
Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Island Thunder

I have already played Halo 1, Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon: Island Thunder, and Rallisport Challenge 2 online with Xlink Kai several times. Here are some videos of that ( ). Doom 3 has online co-op but I have not tried that yet as I am playing through its single player first.

Oh yea, Doom 3 is pretty freaking awesome. I play with the lights off of course and nearly have peed myself far too many times to count.

I also have been playing Gunstar Super Heroes on Game Boy Advance.

It is a fun shoot em up game where you also have a wide variety of mellee attacks. The game is fun, but also pisses me off a bit because the developers are some sadistic asses sometimes. The game is challenging and you will die a lot which is fine to me. However, Treasure, the developers felt it was necessary to ridicule the player after each occurence of the gamer's tragic electronic demise. The sad moments after your death soon will enrage you because the sick twisted developer forces the game to reset back to the title screen after each death.

The game is cool sometimes because the gameplay radically and randomly changes from time to time. Sometimes you are thrown into a helicopter combat level, or you are on a board game type level where you roll a dice of sorts to get through a series of boss battles. These keep things fresh, but the board game scenario in particular is maddeningly frustrating because it takes extreme luck to time the moves of you "dice". Like you can either move 1 to 5 spaces across the board depending on if you can hit a button to make a rapidly scrolling thing land on the correct number you want. The huge amount of luck that this requires means that in many attempts by the time you reach the end boss of this evil board game you will have barely enough health left to fight him beacuse you landed on too many minibosses beforehand. I have been stuck on this part for over a week.

Besides these problems, it still is an amazing game.

I also finally bought my first Guitar Hero game.

I really hate giving this guy and his company money though. He is only smiling in this picture because he used that plastic intrument to beat 3 baby seals to death.

I am a few years late I know haha. I had played one of the games a handful of times before many years ago, but never felt the need to spend like 100 dollars to buy a fake guitar and the fake guitar game. I know how to play real guitar, so the game did not seem worth buying. Now, I have pretty much realized I probably wont ever play real guitar actively again, so Guitar Hero seems like a nice substitute haha.

So, I ended up getting Guitar Hero 3 with the wireless guitar for Playstation 3 for 26.99.

I remember this cost like 100 dollars when it came out, so I finally could not resist getting it. I found it in a random department store called Ross too lol. It was the only one there.

I played it for a few hours last night and I am enjoying it. I find that after 2 or 3 songs my hand cramps up like a mother fucker though. It is interesting playing Guitar Hero after spending tons of hours playing Frequency and Amplitude on the PS2. I think I still like these 2 games more than the fake plastic guitar type of games though.

To show you my cheapness and lack of care about having fancy looking clothes, I will inform you that I bought new jeans for the first time in over 3 years lol. This only happened becasue my favorite pair of jeans that I wear whenever its possible is finally starting to die. I bought a few new T-shirts as well since the Dryer in my apartment building has started burning and ripping wholes in my clothes.

I have been reading some books for leisure now that I am off from college for the summer. It is nice reading stuff besides history books which I was forced to read for my major. I picked up a big old stack of 1 dollar a piece books from a thrift store too, so I will not run out of reading material any time soon.


Sunday, May 9, 2010

Umm yeah. So this a blog. Various stuff and things happened.

I have not felt like blogging in the last 2 weeks even though I have ample amounts of topics to talk about. I did not feel like writing anything though. Deal with it. I cannot help but channel my lazyhoboguy qualities sometimes.

(7:35:57 PM) ME: there was a man
(7:35:59 PM) ME: on the bus
(7:36:05 PM) ME: who was like 40 or 50 maybe
(7:36:09 PM) ME: a fat asian guy with glasses
(7:36:13 PM) ME: he kept repeating 2 words
(7:36:34 PM) rusty shackleford: buchholz and pingas?
(7:37:02 PM) ME: the were muffled and did not sound like english. Perhaps they were a real language but I think he invented his own language. He kept saying something like theydontstop and something that sounded like tabernacle
(7:37:15 PM) ME: "theeydooontstop.....tabernacllle...."
(7:37:22 PM) ME: 5 secs later
(7:37:23 PM) ME: "theeydooontstop.....tabernacllle...."
(7:37:27 PM) ME: 5 secs later
(7:37:29 PM) ME: "theeydooontstop.....tabernacllle...."
(7:37:35 PM) ME: he did this for 12 minutes straight
(7:37:36 PM) ME: OH
(7:37:40 PM) ME: and as an added bonus
(7:37:57 PM) ME: he pulled up his tshirt and scracthed his big fat hairy gut for aabout a third of the ride
(7:38:16 PM) ME: The small wonderful joys of public transit
(7:38:21 PM) rusty shackleford: wow
(7:38:24 PM) rusty shackleford: just... wow
(7:38:32 PM) ME: yae lo
(7:38:37 PM) ME: everyone on the bus was just like wtf
(7:40:40 PM) rusty shackleford: "itellyouwhat...propane..."
(7:41:06 PM) rusty shackleford: you should have started singing the cyberdillo theme
(7:42:00 PM) ME: lol
(7:42:01 PM) ME: i forgot it
(7:42:27 PM) ME:
(7:42:33 PM) ME: heres another video of how tiny my room is
(7:46:14 PM) ME: oooooo nooooo
(7:46:23 PM) ME: that independent game store in my city might be dead
(7:46:24 PM) ME: i hope not
(7:46:32 PM) ME: i called them and it says the number has been disconnected
(7:46:42 PM) ME: i was hoping they sold original xboxs
(7:49:11 PM) rusty shackleford: =/
(7:49:20 PM) ME: i emailed them
(7:49:23 PM) ME: hopefully they are alive
(8:02:10 PM) ME:
(8:05:49 PM) rusty shackleford: did you hear ubisoft is getting rid of manuals in games?
(8:06:37 PM) ME: yea....
(8:06:43 PM) ME:
(8:06:46 PM) ME: oh oh
(8:06:52 PM) ME: this game sounds like what I feared it would be
(8:07:01 PM) ME: too much of a zelda ripoff

So…ya. That happened. It was quite odd.

I have played way too many games since my last blog.

I started playing PixelJunk Eden off of my imported retail copy of PixelJunk 3 in 1 Pack. I really am enjoying that game, well just like pixeljunk monsters the difficulty randomly ramps up to an insane degree about halfway through. It is somewhat spoiling my love for the game. Nevertheless, I like the game's crazy weirdness enough to soldier on and finish the game eventually.

I had an 8 page paper due a couple days ago. I started it about 5 hours before it was due. Bow before my procrastination prowess.

I started watching a bunch of movies on Netflix's online streaming thingamabob. I wonder why people say thingama "bob". Why is this guy so special that his name gets stuck in a word that is meant to describe so many things? Why not thingamaherbert? Oh wait, I understand now. Bob is short for bobby. Bobby Hill. That boy ain't right. But he is the son of a propane salesman…

I tell you what. Boggle. Pegggggggggggy Hilllllllll speaks perfect Espanol.

I watched Taxi Driver. Wow. That movie was amazing. I watched the movie Blow. That movie was not amazing and was all flash and no substance. I watched a documentary called "Heavy Metal in Baghdad" It was about … you guessed it heavy metal in Baghdad. But, it was more than that. It showed the band members' perspectives about living in Iraq in a war zone. I thought it was very well made. I also watched Full Metal Jacket. That was good, but not amazing.

I had been up for a day and was stupid off 5 hour energy when I wrote this blog. I usually put this warning at the start of my blogs. However, in this particular instance I felt like fucking with all of your minds instead. I am enjoying it.

I also played Red Dead Revolver. Boy was that disappointing. No story, repetitive gameplay. No open world. You just go straight from one battle to the next. Gun was a way better game.

I also got in some NES games. I played Double Dragon finally. It is ok. It is kind of a cheap beat em up since the game holds abilities hostage from you until you get certain high scores each playthrough. That gets annoying since your attacks suck at first.

I also started playing Nintendo World Cup on NES. This is freaking fun! It is a not too serious soccer game where you can do crazy ass super kicks and attack other teams' players so much that they will just all start lying motionless in the grass after awhile from the beatings.

I usually put in pictures in my blogs, but I wont this time. Hahah. Take that. No visual breaks for you from the boring looking text.

I finally reordered a Xbox original console. It is coming in the mail. I used to have one but it got stolen from my house a few years back. There is no greater crime to commit to a gamer than stealing the devices that enable his or her hobby. If I ever find out who took it….. I shall have to do unspeakable things to them. Example: I might tie them up. I might chug a 5 hour energy. I might then proceed to unleash the twice hourly fart attacks caused by 5 hour energy into the dirty thief's face.

ERRRRRRRRR what else happened. Oh, I like the show Breaking Bad a lot. It had a very amazing episode last Sunday.

Where the flying (crapping in mid air down on unsuspecting humans) fuck am I going to place that Xbox monster console when it arrives? My room is quite tiny if you remember. I think I may have to throw away my mattress.

Somebody stole my paper towels.


A roommate here is such a dirty shameless puke face that they actually stole some of my paper towels and used them. Really??? What the truck. Yuck. How freaking cheap are paper towels. WTF. I left out a container of brand new dish soap on the kitchen counter for 20 minutes one time. When I came back half of it was gone…. Somebody actually was such a dirtbag that they stole soap…… They saved it for later apparently. Or they ate it? They probably are that sick if they steal soap. Well soap does smell kind of like fruit and delicious sometimes. Or maybe they took a shower in the sink.

Oh Gamestop makes me madder and madder. The local independent gamestore in my city went out of business. Gamecrazy is going out of business. That sucks.

Here is the internet

Saturday, April 17, 2010

My Last 2 Weeks= Puking, Pooping, Pure Hatred for GAMESTOP, and some new games.

Warning: This blog contains graphic talk about turd. Skip over this first section if you are afraid of natural bodily functions.


So, a lot of interesting stuff has happened since my last blog a couple weeks ago. I went back to my parents' house for 2 days during spring break to visit them. Upon my arrival, we went out to eat at restaurant called Black Angus. It is chain steak house restaurant. I had eaten there many times before so I was not alarmed by the fact that the name of the restaurant would mean "Black Anus" with the subtraction of only one letter G. I did not notice anything significantly wrong while eating the food that this Angus restaurant managed to squeeze out onto my plate. I did not feel sick for the few hours I was awake when I first got to my parents house. All of a sudden at 3am when I was trying to sleep though my stomach starting feeling like an angry midget was inside of it and was thrashing around in a drug fueled rage. I ran to the bathroom and had the most unpleasant type of bowel movement imaginable. The D word,. Diarrhea, aehrraiD backwards. I hoped the unpleasant feelings in my stomach would fade away after suffering through a most atrocious experience on the toilet, but I was very wrong. Every 20 minutes for the next 5 or 6 hours I had to run to the bathroom for countless sequels to the prior explosive diarrhea event.

I finally managed to fall asleep somehow for a few minutes after one of the many diarrhea attacks. But there was one climatic bathroom trip still lurking in the future. I woke up feeling even worse than before. My stomach was going crazy. I barely could make it to the bathroom before that damn diarrhea demanded to be freed. What was even worse…. while sitting on the can I felt a new feeling in my stomach…. a feeling that something was rising in it. I realized quickly that I was going to have puke. I was still sitting on the toilet dealing with the first expulsion of bodily waste. WHAT TO DO! Well there was a small trash can near me so I grabbed it and puked my guts out for 5 minutes straight. I eventually cleaned up and got out of that wretched traumatizing bathroom and slowly made my way to other end of the house and then collapsed on a couch where I slept for a day straight and woke up at 10pm.

I will not be eating out for a very very very very very long time.



So, I could not resist the lure of the most immoral business in the known universe. Perhaps there is an even worse gaming establishment in existence in the butthole of the universe somewhere, but for now LAMESTOP takes the prize for being the most purely evil video game store in the cosmos. I foolishly went back into one of these sickening manifestations of corporate greed. I should have learned from the many times this chain of game defiling stores has screwed me over, but I was an idiot. I bought 3 games from this wretched buttmerchant. I bought Valkyria Chronicles on PS3 for 20 dollars new and got a sealed copy. I got Midnight Club 2 on PS2 for like 6 dollars used. The final game I got was Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus. "Those are not too bad prices" you might say. "What are you bitching about" you may think smugly to yourself. Well, 2 days later while checking my bank account I discovered that Gamestop I had given my money had decided to be idiotic puke monkeys and double charged my debit card for my purchase. So, today I went back to the store to get this stupid mistake of theirs fixed. Of course they had no clue how to help and could not even find the 2nd charge in the system. They gave me the number for the corporation itself to call because they could do nothing further to fix their mistake. I went home and fearfully dialed the 1800 number of death. I was calling the evil gaming empire itself. Merely filing a complaint to them might result in them sending one of their adolescent HALO3/CODMW2 fanboy assassins after me. But I bravely finished dialing the number. I am a cheap ass, as you must already know, so I could not stand to lose $32.71 because of Gamestop's ineptitude.

While on hold waiting for a customer service representative of the evil empire to converse with me, Mario and Zelda music began to leap from my cell phone into my ear. Those sly asshatical executives at gamestop, they must think that playing gamer music would calm my fury. No, I would not be tricked by this tainted offering of gaming music.

I finally started talking to a guy and he was surprisingly cheerful and told many unfunny and horribly cheesy jokes in an attempt to make me less perturbed at his employer. The phone connection was very bad and every like 3 seconds his voice would cut out momentarily. He informed me that this was a common problem with their phones. I assumed it must be so that his superiors would have the time needed to stealthily whip the call center's employees, masking their screams with the brief moments the phone lines cut out. No wonder this guy was so strongly upbeat on the phone, any small mistake and his masters probably would devour his flesh to feed their monstrous appetites. Yes Gamestop's upper management consists of monsters, ghouls, demons, and Dick Cheney- like beings.

Dealing with the ever present threat of violence from his masters, the poor Gamestop call center slave worked pretty efficiently and told me he would contact my bank to clear up the double charge. After I made this call, I checked my bank account again and noticed that actually the double charge had been refunded randomly a day or so before. I guess someone at Lamestop realized their mistake or something and tried to fix it, but since I was not notified at all I still ended up wasting an hour or so going back to that Gamestop and calling the oppressive corporation itself.


Ok fine, I know I cannot resist the buy 2 get 1 free deals on used ps2 games they have 2 times a year. So…. Besides these rare sales,










From now on I will just buy my gaming crap online or make the long trip to the slightly overpriced independent games store at the other end of the city I live in. Every other time I give Gamestop business they do something to enrage me or completely make me lose faith in gamerkind.

What an odd picture from google images.

It is like a crackhead going to a drug dealer that randomly deals out uncalled for forceful kicks to his customer's testicles. Yet, this customer is so addicted to the product of the merchant that he soon forgets about his swollen nuts and returns to that same cruel merchant for more potential abuse. I shall no longer be like that crackhead.

I was going to talk about the 10 hours or so of Valkyria Chronicles I had played too, but I have already gone on for far too long. I will wait for the next blog to do that.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

A long tale about how I saved a life with my amateur surgery skills.

I love my Dualshock one controller. Even though it came out for the Playstation 1 it still works with about half of all the Playstation 2 games that were released. The analog sticks on it are much more fluid in their movement and are built better. The face buttons are digital so they don't have that squishy feeling like on ps2 controllers which have the terrible pressure sensitive stuff built into them.

Pure Beauty!

I was madly in love with the Dualshock 1 ever since I picked up a used one from a thrift store for $4 a year ago. It was used and dirty when I acquired it, but I lovingly nursed the poor thing back to health with the help of some alcohol wipes and paper towels.

I used this controller for a year straight and I played a ton of ps2 games with my beloved controller. It had never had any problems in an entire year of using it. It was a used thrift store controller so who knows how many years someone else used and abused it before I even acquired it. On the other hand, every Dualshock 2(PS2 controller) I have used has had its analog sticks start to wear out after 2 or 3 months of heavy use.

My Dualshock 1 controller and I were quite the pair for this wonderful year of gaming bliss. Together we went on countless exciting adventures. Some of my plastic buddy and my gaming escapades included sniping people in the face in slow motion (sniper elite), rolling tons of random crap and Earth inhabitants up into a massive ball of death and awesomeness (Katamari Damacy), beheading undead monkeys (Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Timesplitters 2), tugging on giant boobs to kill enemies (Stretch Panic... really it's part of the game), having our minds blown (Rez,Frequency, Amplitude, Lumines Plus), creating a "naughty british dancing" ( video that was really a work of art (Cold Winter), and we gorily dismembered hundreds of jack ass gunman with various weapons.(Soldier of Fortune: Gold Edition).

So, today I was deeply troubled when I discovered that my old friend had something seriously wrong with him. My poor Dualshock 1's square button was nearing death. It would jam up after every 3 or 4 presses. I discovered this while playing the button mashy game called Dynasty Warriors 3. I guess my unlucky Dualshock 1's square button had already had a few too many mashes. My Dualshock 1 and I both knew that such vital button could not be allowed to be in this faulty condition for my gaming sessions and I knew the frightening thoughts that my Dualshock 1 could not help but think about.

It probably thought that since it was no longer functional it would be tossed into the garbage or sent back to a thrift store again. But no, I could not take the easy way out and dispose of my old amigo plastico. I had performed controller surgery before and I knew I could do it again. Unfortunately, I was just an amateur electronic gaming surgeon. I had only taken apart simple SNES controllers and opened up a Fat PS2 console (which resulted in disaster). I feared that the inside of a Dualshock 1 would contain more crazy electronic gizmos and mechanisms than I could handle. I feared that opening up the Dualshock lad would lead to his quick death.

I decided it was worth the risk to perform this hasty surgery. I could just spend 10 dollars to buy another Dualshock one and replace this one, but this one had too much sentimental value. I would use all of my lazyhoboskills to try to save the life of my beloved controller.

I tried doing some quick research to see what I was getting myself into. Unfortunately searching on google gave me no useful information. If you search for a Dualshock 1 or ps1 controller all you get is ps2 and ps3 stuff. I realized I had to just open up the controller and hope I could figure out what to do.

The mysterious innards of this wonderful piece of gaming engineering were sealed up by the collective defense of 7 tiny screws. I whipped out my screwdriver set and I thought I would make short work of these twisty metal rods that stood in my way. But when I opened up my screwdriver set a horrible site leaped out at me!!!!

RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mother Fucking RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What was even more alarming was that the rust was only on the one screwdriver that I needed. The other 5 or 6 in the set looked as good as new still. It was at that moment that I realized someone or something must be plotting a scheme to stop my attempts to resuscitate my fallen gaming pal. Some purposeful sorcery must have taken place in order for the one screwdriver I needed to be ravaged in such a shocking way.

I started surveying my crappy tiny tiny room that I mange to somehow not go mad in. I slowly scanned my surroundings to try to catch any hidden enemies that were lurking about. I was about to turn around and give up this search when I caught something in the corner of my eye.

You sneaky son of a Bitch!!!!!

It was my neglected Dualshock 2 controller peeking out from the cabinet below my TV! He certainly had an ample amount of motive for sabotaging my attempts to save my Dualshock 1 controller's life. Ever since the Dualshock 1 arrived my Dualshock 2 was usually banished to my cabinet in the bottom section of my TV stand. Over time he must have grown madder and madder at his sudden neglect, reaching an irreversible state where all that was left in his plastic mind were thoughts of utter insanity. It all made sense now. I confronted him and he of course denied my accusations of his participation in the aforementioned treachery. But I would not listen to the lies that spurted forth from his dirty controller mouth and I tossed him back in the dark cabinet to punish him. I pushed some random heavy junk in front of the cabinet doors to seal him in. He would not be disturbing me any time soon.

Dualshock 2s are as evil and disturbing as this image.

I tried to use the smaller screwdrivers on the screws, but they would not work. I knew that I had no choice left but to use the rusted screwdriver. I angrily wiped off as much rust from the screwdriver as I could using a paper towel. When I picked the tool up it still left a nasty residue on my hands. I lashed out at the Dualshock 2 by very loudly yelling out obscenities at him. I was so furious that I even made crude jokes about his mother (SONY). I was not sure if he was able to hear me since he was locked away in that cabinet dungeon. But seconds later, I could not help but smile when I could faintly hear his electronic weeping.

I managed to use the dirty rusted screwdriver to yank out the 7 screws on the Dualshock 1's backside. Before attempting to split my poor Dualshock 1 in half, I prayed to the gaming gods, begging for their guidance in this delicate operation. To show my reverence and earn their favor I pulled out a copy of Superman 64 and viciously released my bowels all over it. The gaming gods must surely be proud of me now! Confident in having supernatural aid in my gaming surgery, I returned to the task at hand.

I separated the Dualshock 1 in half. When I removed the back half of the controller I was greeted with a sight that completed discombobulated my simple mind. The amount of electronic wizardly that must have gone into creating the innards of this great controller must have been immense. I realized that my prior experience with opening up Super Ninendo controllers would be of little help to me. There was a main board where all the various microchips and metal junk was stuck too. There were a few different wires going from this. There was a green looking paper thick foldable sheet type of material that folded under the controllers buttons yet remained attached to the main circuit board thing. I tried to remember in my mind how the innards were held together as I pulled them apart, but it was impossible to remember every subtle detail of their organization.

I now had all of my unfortunate Dualshock 1's guts lying all over my floor. I figured I would worry about trying to but this mess back together again after I attempted to repair the Dualshock 1's Square Button. I examined the rubber piece that lies under the button and saw no problems with it. I looked at the button itself and saw nothing wrong with it. I was a bit puzzled as to what could be causing the button to jam then. I then noticed in the hole where the button resides, there was a tiny amount of nasty looking gunk. It was in the sides of the button hole, so it must have been pushing on the side of the button and causing it to become lopsided when pushed in, hence the occasional jamming. I used some trusty alcohol wipes to thoroughly get rid of any gunk I saw and hoped that this was the only thing causing the button to malfunction before.

Now that I had made my repair, I had to deal with putting the controller back together, but I had no idea howI was going to accomplish this . I spent nearly 2 hours trying various configurations of the controller guts to see how it was supposed to fit back together. I finally was able to figure it out and attempted to rejoin the controller's 2 shell halves. They would not close together at first, so I had to keep going back inside the controller and tried to make sure that everything was pushed down into the correct spots. After many of these attempts the controller shells finally started almost closing, I heard some pops as the pieces fit together and I rushed to grab the screws to make the this closure permanent. I used my strength to make sure that all the screws were in securely and worryingly turned my controller over to see if my repair had worked or if all my effort had been for nothing.

I nervously poked at the Square Button on my post-op controller and ….. it seemed to be functioning normally again!!!!!!!!!!! I tapped on the button continuously to see if it still jammed and it did not do so once! I tried this for about 30 seconds and I knew that the button was in great shape again.

My Dualshock 1 WAS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awwwwww how cute, the little guy started chasing his tail and got all tuckered out. He is back to his old self.

I did a dorky celebratory dance around the room (Really… I did haha). I had not felt such a sense of accomplishment and immense joy since beating the epic orgasmic amazing Demon's Souls. After I had stopped I noticed a sharp pain coming from one of my fingers. I looked down at it and realized I had not escaped the dangerous surgery with no negative consequences. My finger had a new nasty blister residing on it. It was from the amazing strength I used to turn the screwdriver to close up the controller. I guess I just did not realize how powerful I really was….


Anyways…the blister was starting to get all puffy and it was right on the spot I would need to use if I wanted to play video games. I could live with this terrible gamer injury though; it was worth waiting for the agonizingly long video gameless period to end while my blister healed because my old Dualshock 1 buddy was ALIVE AGAIN!

I also realized that the fresh feces that was sprayed all over the Superman 64 cartridge was beginning to reek, so I cleaned that up as well and tossed the game corpse and poopy mess outside in the trash. Well, actually that game is a poopy mess even when it is not literally covered in one. So I really should have just said that I tossed out a poopy mess and a pile of feces.

I cannot even claim that sleep deprivation was the cause for this atrocious blog. I was well rested when I wrote this. This blog was based on a true story. Did I really expel my bodily waste onto a copy of Superman 64? You shall never know for sure!


Wednesday, March 31, 2010

A poem and conversation I had when I had no sleep for over 24 hours.

I have had no sleep for a day. YAY!!!!! you may say! Because despite my suffering this day, you know that a blog is coming that will make no sense in any way.

I have some startling information for those belonging to the distinguished gamer nation. I shall tell you of a snack that I devour twice every 24 hours. While dining on this crunchy, chewy, party in my mouth treat, I automatically become extremely upbeat. Unlike some other edible crud, it holds the power to unleash an orgy of flavor onto every single eager taste bud. This addictive crack-like snack always has me coming back. In fact, until finding this miracle food which always positively alters my mood, I never would have foreseen a more scrumptious way to ingest protein.

I am a deranged lunatic poet? An hour ago I did not even know it.

I am actually having quite a delightful time creating this short wacky rhyme. I cannot think of another word that rhymes with rhyme. Really I lie, because I did already think of butt slime. I thought it was a waste of your time to hear such an immature rhyme. See my laziness is real, for I rhymed the word rhyme with rhyme time after time. My pure perfect laziness is so sublime.

The following conversation may give you a great elation. On the other hand, it could lead to your mind's irreversible devastation. So, in closing, be aware of the consequences of reading the following clas-sy exchange of words, keeping in mind that there will surely be an overabundant mentioning of things relating to turds. My dear blog reading folk, I warn you that this is not a joke. I swear by the beard of Zeus that it is true that this blog will contain an unnecessary amount of mentioning topics pertaining to poo!

Also, remember for the future that I shall never grow mature. My trademark as a sleep deprived lazybum will always be to write nonsense that is random!

Nonsense Talk

ME: arg 5 hour flatulence (<-- means 5 hour energy)

ME: every 30 minutes about I gotta go in the bathroom and let out some wicked loud chains of farts

Rusty Shackleford: can you record this?

ME: lol

Rusty Shackleford: change your name to

Rusty Shackleford: buchholzman

ME: themightyanus?

Rusty Shackleford: yes

ME: madden?

Rusty Shackleford: i like madden

Rusty Shackleford: it is good

ME: thats rude

ME: no matter how huge and wrinkly he is, he is still a human being of sorts. He is not an it.

ME: lmao if i did record those farts

ME: I could title the video

ME: 5 hour energy review

ME: then just go straight to the farts

Rusty Shackleford: lol

Rusty Shackleford: i think you gotta curb the fecal stuff on your blog

ME: yea lol, i know i realized that too

ME: its starting to get old even too me

ME: theres only so many poo jokes one can make

ME: unfortunately i thought of a new pooword today

Rusty Shackleford: I'm not here right now

ME: turdnut

ME: i still find that funny

ME: maybe i will switch to pee jokes

ME: lol

ME: earwax?

ME: boogers?

Rusty Shackleford: ear wax...

Rusty Shackleford: i hate ear wax

ME: lol

Rusty Shackleford: i had a build up of ear wax when i was a kid

ME: ah

Rusty Shackleford: couldn't hear very well

Rusty Shackleford: then all of a sudden

Rusty Shackleford: the doctor found the build-up

ME: i always dont hear well, well a lot of the time

ME: because allergies makes fluids build up in my ears

ME: unless i take a nasal spray 2 times a day

ME: takes 2 weeks to start working

ME: and allergies randomly fucking start and stop because of the crazy weather

ME: so i just live with it haha

ME: still better than earwax though

ME: i hate picking that out of my ear

ME: its chunky, yet greasy

ME: i hate when a big chunk falls out of your ear randomly sometimes

ME: feels so disgusting

ME: i think i will sneak some earwax into your food

ME: lmao

Rusty Shackleford: it hurt like hell when i had it taken out

Rusty Shackleford: it was stuck to my ear canal

ME: ow, how does that happen?

ME: using cutips too much?

ME: i heard that compacts it

ME: i never use it

ME: i use my trusty finger

ME: pinky to be exact

ME: because your not supposed to stick anything into your ear canal

ME: you could easily rupture your eardrum

ME: eardrum

ME: which would suck turdnuts

ME: picture that

ME: turdnut

ME: hahaha

ME: im sorry

ME: poo shall always be funny

ME: i just need to use those jokes in moderation

ME: all on brown assaults of fecal jokes can be overwhelming to the senses i know

Rusty Shackleford: no, it was fairly deep in my canal. it had been there awhile and stuck to the outer wall.

Rusty Shackleford: i didn't do anything to make it happen

Rusty Shackleford: it just grew there

ME: it grew there.....

ME: sounds like a demon

ME: or like a brain parasite

ME: it slowly grew hidden away....

ME: earwax spiders

ME: that would be terrifying

ME: spiders made of earwax

ME: your earwax giving birth to living beings

ME: that crawled out of your ear

ME: ive had 1 hour sleep in the last day so i aplogize for this conversation

Rusty Shackleford: lol

Rusty Shackleford: why the lack of sleep?

ME: wat if you pooed out earwax?

ME: with nuts in it

ME: and corn

ME: and carrots

ME: what else leaves with poo...

ME: celery?

ME: i had a midterm

ME: which i think i did horrible on

ME: may be my first d ever on a midterm

ME: its 20 percent of my grade

ME: so i can fix my grade still

ME: but ive really been slacking off this semester

ME: need to buckle down and make myself do all the terrible tedioius reading

ME: holy fucknuts

ME: this conversation is pretty funny

ME: at least to me

ME: since ive had no sleep

Rusty Shackleford: i thought you had been keeping up on the reading?

ME: nah not for this shit thought i could bs the midterm, learned that didnt work too well, maybe my guessing got me a c or b, I am pretty sure I have a d though.

ME: I have never done that in college, gotten worse than a C on a midterm.

ME: Hopefully I pull off a C with my procrastination/slacker powers.

ME: I wont find out for a week.

ME: I am really going to start doing all the reading now though. Means I will be doing like 60 or 70 pages of reading 7 days a week to get everything done.

ME: So will suck sweaty buttcheeks, but I managed to that a year ago when I had an insane workload.

ME: Dude, I got to post this conversation in a blog. Would you like your alias to be HANK HILL? or do you want to change it up a bit? Dale Gribble? Cotton Hill? Soda Popaski?

ME: or "Guywithearwaxfetish"?

ME: "?fundamentalistMaddendisciple_D_Bag?"

ME: "FamilyFeudFetish"?

Rusty Shackleford: Rusty Shackleford

ME: "Phatman"?

ME: lol

ME: rusty shackleford

ME: Thy will shall be done.

ME: Great mystical being who manages to get enjoyment out of the Turd and Eric awesome show Buttjob

ME: All Praise and glory be done onto you.

ME: I shall make bountiful offerings of 5 hour energy.

Rusty Shackleford: All praise and glory be done to Tim and Eric

Rusty Shackleford: Masters of lulz

ME: That is not funny. Jokes can only go too far before they get distasteful and offensive. That joke is vulgar. Free Speech only goes so far my friend. That is more damaging than public threatening to bring swift death down upon somebody. You shall be incarcerated now.

ME: O wait though I forgot you are a weird mystical being.

ME: So I shall send kratos after you.

ME: And he will make testosteronely manyells as he rips you in half.

ME: You may be a GOD, but you cannot defend against button mashing.

ME: WTF am I talking about.

ME: I noticed you stopped typing. You are probably just taking this all in.

ME: Watever, enjoy my brilliance.

ME: You know what has been bothering me.

ME: Toilets with motion sensors that flush the toilet.

ME: There are pros and cons to these devices.

ME: People are so fucking lazy that they often dont flush, so these things fix that problem. However, if you happened to hate sitting on bare dirty toilet seats like me, automatic flushers detect the movement of you laying down the paper toilet seat cover so sometimes by the time you finally get to sit down on the can, the toilet thinks yoiu walked out of the stall and flushes and gets your ass all wet with splashback because you were not ready for the plumbingness machine to start its duties up!!!!!!

Rusty Shackleford: hahaha

Rusty Shackleford: that has happened to me

ME: I dont get why people dont flush the toilets though. Use a foot. Thats what I do. So I dont gotta touch the nasty metal handle, and that way I am not a wangbreathed asshat that leaves there smelly urine sitting in the toilet for the next lucky arriving citizen in that defiled stall.

ME: Yea it gets maddening sometimes.

ME: I have had to learn a technique to deal with the stupid motion sensor toilets.

ME: I learned to move super slow motion like when sitting down on the can so it doesnt think I am walking away after a dookie drop. I have nearly perfected this method now and have cut down on surprise mid-crap flushed by like 95%

ME: So fuck you technology.

ME: Bring on the rise of the terminators

ME: I can handle that shit if I can trick toilet robots.

Rusty Shackleford: Terminating your bathroom experience prematurely

ME: Exactly, this is how the terminator beta was tested out. They figured if they could interfere with the most intimate and necessary function of the human body that mankind would implode on itself because it could not handle restroom chaos of this manner.

ME: On the other hand, the evil toilet robots do have some much kinder relatives like the motion sensor soap dispenser, motion sensor paper towel dispenser, and karate chop activated water faucet starter (ok you dont have to do a karate chop but if just feels so awesome).

ME: How come I can write such long rants about bathrooms in like 20 minutes, but I procrastinate on a 1 page paper until 3 hours before its due???

ME: A deep question to ponder.

Rusty Shackleford: you have so much passion for the subject of bathrooms

ME: I am getting hungry though..Frozen Taquitos time??? Or should I go with a 12am bowl of cereal?

ME: I know, but honestly we humans have to spend so much time relieving ourselves of waste, that creating a functioning and pleasant experience while doing so is something that I think should be the focus of all of top scientists in the world.

ME: Why is bathroom talk leading to me getting hungry... never mind dont want to think about that.

ME: TTYL Rusty ShackleTurd. I mean Shackleford. My apologies sir.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

A short list of things I hate.

This was a no sleep for 40 hours 5 hour energy type of day when I wrote this. You know what that means. Lots of randomness

and of course

There Will Be Poo! Maybe There Will Be Blood! too, depending on what was eaten.

Also. For those of you who are going to start complaining about this Daniel Day-Lewis illustration, I shall give you the backstory so it will make more sense to you. He ate a lot of beans. The opening stages of his bowel movement contained lots of explosive gaseous emissions. Those powerful blasts of poo gas ripped a hole straight through his pants. Consequently, solid poo logs had the escape hatch needed to jump easily into the environment.

Unfortunately I fell asleep before I could add more to this list while in my tired random rant capable state. I spent 34 hours awake and slept for 12 hours after that. I am sure that was super duper great for my body!

Some things I hate.

1. Cheap Scratchy Public Restroom Buttwipes. Ow.

2. Bathroom stalls with no coat hanger on the door. WHERE THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY STUFF?? When I have a backpack, a wet umbrella, and a coat I need a freaking hook. I don't want to have to put my umbrella down on the feces covered floor and later have my umbrella drip fecal matter on me when I use it to block the rain. WTF am I supposed to do with my backpack?? The only solution when there is no coat hanger is to find the least damp looking section of the floor and rest my backpack down on that spot, making sure the smallest amount of surface area of the backpack is making contact with that vile surface. For my coat, I have to fold it over the top of the stall. What if some hobo yanks it down and steals it while I am on the crapper? It is not like I can chase after him!!! There is also the risk of someone's fart in the room causing a draft which blows my coat off its perch into the a filthy chunk filled toilet bowl.

I consider myself a connoisseur of crapping, so I know what I am talking about. If any of you reading this have a business or own a turdcake receptacle room building company, spend the mother fucking dollar per stall it costs to put in a hook !!!!!!!!! JESUS TAPDANCING CHRIST! (quoted from southpark, I love it)

3. People who when riding the bus do not move to the back. Every day I see these dunces standing at the front of the bus staring at you while you are crammed into position next to them. You look behind them and see the whole back of the bus has free standing room. How hard is to walk backwards a few steps? Do these people like standing in the front blocking the walkway so they can brush up against all the old elderly bus riders who smell like moth balls? Perhaps these people refuse to walk to the back of the bus have a bunch of moths living in their bodies' crevices and wish to massacre these moths with old people smell? Hopefully this is the reason. Because otherwise, they are just turdberry eating, crap nuggety, manure breath people that are somehow continuing to survive even with brains full of super yellow dehydratey urine!

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