Monday, August 17, 2009

When Rugs Attack! (I am lucky to be alive...)

I had the most epic battle of my life tonight. 2 ill-tempered rugs entered my room. I needed to tame these wild linty beasts and put them on my floor. They did not wish for this happen. So, we had to enter a life or death struggle.

My room that I live in is very tiny you see. My stuff was already strung about the room, meaning it would be no small feat to get these massive rug monsters subdued down on the floor.

Rug # 1 was the bigger of the two. He was 4.5 ft by 7.3ft and was rolled into a massive bundle of rugmatter that was as tall as me. He was straight from the horrifcly sinister store called walmart and was bold and fearless because of it. He had never been forced to lie on the floor with some guy's furniture on top of him and he was not about to let this happen without a fight. He was a mysterious rug as well. His label read "Fiber Content: Made of remnants of undetermined fiber content or orgin." Who knows what foul poisons this rug could contain. He could sicken me with poison at any moment's notice (whatever a little unknown fiber content poison is ok for a $15 rug)

But I had no more time to ponder the mysteries of Rug # 1's origins for he was charging at me full speed! The massive fabric monstrosity had been standing up vertically in his rolled up state. He had made the bold move to tip himself over and try to land a devastating blow to my skull. But it was not to be because I dodged his daring advance and he fell to the floor. Like a rug turtle turned upside down, Rug # 1 was helpless and could not stand up again. Seeing my opportunity, I leapt into action. I unsheathed my razor sharp dagger (5 dollar scissors) and sliced open the tape holding Rug # 1 together in his rolled up form. I started moving furniture left and right to clear space for the rug before he regained strength (My plan was to stick Rug # 1 under my mattress, trapping him for all eternity on my floor. My fantasies of toasty warm feet this winter now looked like a reality.). With the furniture moved all that was left was for me to flip the mattress against the wall and hold it up so it did not come down and crush me. If it did, I would be squashed into nothing more than a chunky red goo.

I tried unrolling the rug underneath the mattress but there was not enough room for Rug # 1! He laughed and taunted me, but I was determined to shut this ruggy mother ****ing rug up once and for all. While standing, I leaned over so I was looking at the floor. I pulled the mattress from the wall and put it up on my back. Now I had the extra few feet needed to pull the rug to the wall and seal his fate. However, this mattress was insanely heavy to balance on my back, so I had to move fast. With a few painful and draining tugs on the rug I managed to get him pulled up against the wall. I got the mattress off of my back and slammed it down on the rug. Oh, he stopped laughing now....

Rug # 2's rugjaw dropped. He could not believe his comrade (hey perhaps they are communist rugs) had been defeated. He was much smaller in stature than his fallen rugbuddy, but he made up for his lack of size by being a crazy tough son of a *****.

With the adrenaline still fresh in my veins from my first battle, I turned my attention to Rug # 2. I planned to use this jerk under my table/desk to catch the food that falls off of it when I am dining on my delicious microwavable meals. Knowing that Rug # 2 was a neat freak, I knew he would not take kindly to my plan. He would rather die than live as a food-stained rug!

Wasting no time, I leapt on top of Rug # 2 and held up each leg of the table and slid more of Rug # 2 under it. I moved so fast that Rug # 2 had no time to react and remained motionless. I got him all the way under the table and let the table's weight restrain him. I thought to myself, "that was too easy". I noticed that 2 legs of my table were still on the hardwood floor. Horrified, I realized that Rug # 2 was too skinny for my table !!!!!!!! I came up with a fast plan though. I could slice and dice Rug # 2 until I cut off a large piece of him. Then I could flip him around and my table would fit on part of his dismembered rugcorpse! I got out a tape measure to help me make a straight line and I used a black marker to outline my intended incision zone. I pulled out my trusty dagger ($5 dollare scissors) again. They had helped me defeat Rug # 1 so I was confident in their rug slaying abilities. Even though Rug # 2 was very thick I went to work with my dagger(scissors).

Snip, Snip Snip. I was making slow progress. Suprisingly, Rug # 2 was not crying out in agony like I had expected. He remained eerily silent and I should have realized that something was not right. Oblivious to this warning sign, I continued snipping away at Rug # 2. All of a sudden my dagger's handle (cheap plastic scissors remember?) exploded into countless pieces which flew across my room. Dumfounded, I gazed at my dagger(scissors) and saw that it was now useless. Rug # 2 snickered at me for being so foolish. "No one can cut through me!!!", he boasted. For the moment it seemed like all was lost, but I remembered that the weapons shop was still open even though it was 11 pm! I rushed to the weapons dealer (safeway) to pick up another dagger (scissors). However, I saw something much more powerful than a dagger (Yep,scissors. Did I emphasize that the dagger was a pair of scissors enough? I don't thik I did. THE DAGGER IS A PAIR OF SCISSORS!!!!). At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but they were not. The legendary weapon which had spawned in a mystical garden 1000s of years ago was hanging on a rack before me. I grabbed the pruning shears and headed back to Rug # 2. He was nearly free from the table which held him down and threatened to give me severely bad rug burns once he was free. I told him to shut his lint-filled mouth and whipped out my new amazing weapon. He was speechless because he knew that he was now doomed. I continued slicing along the line I had drawn on Rug # 2. These new pruning shears/ insanely powerful weapon let me cut Rug # 2 in half! Blood and guts (lots of ruggy lint) leaked out of him as the life drained from his fabric...

Drenched in sweat, covered in wounds from my epic showdown with the rug monsters, and glad to be alive, I sat down and played some Punchout on the NES! Punchout really is awesome. Its not quite as epic as my previous tale of rug slaughter, but it's close.

I sincerely apologize for this blog. If you managed to make it all the way through this stupid piece of crap, congratulations you get no reward besides knowing I managed to waste a few minutes of your life! woopee!

I did not get much sleep last night, so perhaps this ridiculous blog was influenced by that, or perhaps I am just a little insane.

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