I was madly in love with the Dualshock 1 ever since I picked up a used one from a thrift store for $4 a year ago. It was used and dirty when I acquired it, but I lovingly nursed the poor thing back to health with the help of some alcohol wipes and paper towels.
I used this controller for a year straight and I played a ton of ps2 games with my beloved controller. It had never had any problems in an entire year of using it. It was a used thrift store controller so who knows how many years someone else used and abused it before I even acquired it. On the other hand, every Dualshock 2(PS2 controller) I have used has had its analog sticks start to wear out after 2 or 3 months of heavy use.
My Dualshock 1 controller and I were quite the pair for this wonderful year of gaming bliss. Together we went on countless exciting adventures. Some of my plastic buddy and my gaming escapades included sniping people in the face in slow motion (sniper elite), rolling tons of random crap and Earth inhabitants up into a massive ball of death and awesomeness (Katamari Damacy), beheading undead monkeys (Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Timesplitters 2), tugging on giant boobs to kill enemies (Stretch Panic... really it's part of the game), having our minds blown (Rez,Frequency, Amplitude, Lumines Plus), creating a "naughty british dancing" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vcun5XqM3c) video that was really a work of art (Cold Winter), and we gorily dismembered hundreds of jack ass gunman with various weapons.(Soldier of Fortune: Gold Edition).
So, today I was deeply troubled when I discovered that my old friend had something seriously wrong with him. My poor Dualshock 1's square button was nearing death. It would jam up after every 3 or 4 presses. I discovered this while playing the button mashy game called Dynasty Warriors 3. I guess my unlucky Dualshock 1's square button had already had a few too many mashes. My Dualshock 1 and I both knew that such vital button could not be allowed to be in this faulty condition for my gaming sessions and I knew the frightening thoughts that my Dualshock 1 could not help but think about.
It probably thought that since it was no longer functional it would be tossed into the garbage or sent back to a thrift store again. But no, I could not take the easy way out and dispose of my old amigo plastico. I had performed controller surgery before and I knew I could do it again. Unfortunately, I was just an amateur electronic gaming surgeon. I had only taken apart simple SNES controllers and opened up a Fat PS2 console (which resulted in disaster). I feared that the inside of a Dualshock 1 would contain more crazy electronic gizmos and mechanisms than I could handle. I feared that opening up the Dualshock lad would lead to his quick death.
I decided it was worth the risk to perform this hasty surgery. I could just spend 10 dollars to buy another Dualshock one and replace this one, but this one had too much sentimental value. I would use all of my lazyhoboskills to try to save the life of my beloved controller.
I tried doing some quick research to see what I was getting myself into. Unfortunately searching on google gave me no useful information. If you search for a Dualshock 1 or ps1 controller all you get is ps2 and ps3 stuff. I realized I had to just open up the controller and hope I could figure out what to do.
The mysterious innards of this wonderful piece of gaming engineering were sealed up by the collective defense of 7 tiny screws. I whipped out my screwdriver set and I thought I would make short work of these twisty metal rods that stood in my way. But when I opened up my screwdriver set a horrible site leaped out at me!!!!
RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mother Fucking RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What was even more alarming was that the rust was only on the one screwdriver that I needed. The other 5 or 6 in the set looked as good as new still. It was at that moment that I realized someone or something must be plotting a scheme to stop my attempts to resuscitate my fallen gaming pal. Some purposeful sorcery must have taken place in order for the one screwdriver I needed to be ravaged in such a shocking way.
I started surveying my crappy tiny tiny room that I mange to somehow not go mad in. I slowly scanned my surroundings to try to catch any hidden enemies that were lurking about. I was about to turn around and give up this search when I caught something in the corner of my eye.
You sneaky son of a Bitch!!!!!
It was my neglected Dualshock 2 controller peeking out from the cabinet below my TV! He certainly had an ample amount of motive for sabotaging my attempts to save my Dualshock 1 controller's life. Ever since the Dualshock 1 arrived my Dualshock 2 was usually banished to my cabinet in the bottom section of my TV stand. Over time he must have grown madder and madder at his sudden neglect, reaching an irreversible state where all that was left in his plastic mind were thoughts of utter insanity. It all made sense now. I confronted him and he of course denied my accusations of his participation in the aforementioned treachery. But I would not listen to the lies that spurted forth from his dirty controller mouth and I tossed him back in the dark cabinet to punish him. I pushed some random heavy junk in front of the cabinet doors to seal him in. He would not be disturbing me any time soon.
Dualshock 2s are as evil and disturbing as this image.
I tried to use the smaller screwdrivers on the screws, but they would not work. I knew that I had no choice left but to use the rusted screwdriver. I angrily wiped off as much rust from the screwdriver as I could using a paper towel. When I picked the tool up it still left a nasty residue on my hands. I lashed out at the Dualshock 2 by very loudly yelling out obscenities at him. I was so furious that I even made crude jokes about his mother (SONY). I was not sure if he was able to hear me since he was locked away in that cabinet dungeon. But seconds later, I could not help but smile when I could faintly hear his electronic weeping.
I managed to use the dirty rusted screwdriver to yank out the 7 screws on the Dualshock 1's backside. Before attempting to split my poor Dualshock 1 in half, I prayed to the gaming gods, begging for their guidance in this delicate operation. To show my reverence and earn their favor I pulled out a copy of Superman 64 and viciously released my bowels all over it. The gaming gods must surely be proud of me now! Confident in having supernatural aid in my gaming surgery, I returned to the task at hand.
I separated the Dualshock 1 in half. When I removed the back half of the controller I was greeted with a sight that completed discombobulated my simple mind. The amount of electronic wizardly that must have gone into creating the innards of this great controller must have been immense. I realized that my prior experience with opening up Super Ninendo controllers would be of little help to me. There was a main board where all the various microchips and metal junk was stuck too. There were a few different wires going from this. There was a green looking paper thick foldable sheet type of material that folded under the controllers buttons yet remained attached to the main circuit board thing. I tried to remember in my mind how the innards were held together as I pulled them apart, but it was impossible to remember every subtle detail of their organization.
I now had all of my unfortunate Dualshock 1's guts lying all over my floor. I figured I would worry about trying to but this mess back together again after I attempted to repair the Dualshock 1's Square Button. I examined the rubber piece that lies under the button and saw no problems with it. I looked at the button itself and saw nothing wrong with it. I was a bit puzzled as to what could be causing the button to jam then. I then noticed in the hole where the button resides, there was a tiny amount of nasty looking gunk. It was in the sides of the button hole, so it must have been pushing on the side of the button and causing it to become lopsided when pushed in, hence the occasional jamming. I used some trusty alcohol wipes to thoroughly get rid of any gunk I saw and hoped that this was the only thing causing the button to malfunction before.
Now that I had made my repair, I had to deal with putting the controller back together, but I had no idea howI was going to accomplish this . I spent nearly 2 hours trying various configurations of the controller guts to see how it was supposed to fit back together. I finally was able to figure it out and attempted to rejoin the controller's 2 shell halves. They would not close together at first, so I had to keep going back inside the controller and tried to make sure that everything was pushed down into the correct spots. After many of these attempts the controller shells finally started almost closing, I heard some pops as the pieces fit together and I rushed to grab the screws to make the this closure permanent. I used my strength to make sure that all the screws were in securely and worryingly turned my controller over to see if my repair had worked or if all my effort had been for nothing.
I nervously poked at the Square Button on my post-op controller and ….. it seemed to be functioning normally again!!!!!!!!!!! I tapped on the button continuously to see if it still jammed and it did not do so once! I tried this for about 30 seconds and I knew that the button was in great shape again.
My Dualshock 1 WAS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Awwwwww how cute, the little guy started chasing his tail and got all tuckered out. He is back to his old self.
I did a dorky celebratory dance around the room (Really… I did haha). I had not felt such a sense of accomplishment and immense joy since beating the epic orgasmic amazing Demon's Souls. After I had stopped I noticed a sharp pain coming from one of my fingers. I looked down at it and realized I had not escaped the dangerous surgery with no negative consequences. My finger had a new nasty blister residing on it. It was from the amazing strength I used to turn the screwdriver to close up the controller. I guess I just did not realize how powerful I really was….
Anyways…the blister was starting to get all puffy and it was right on the spot I would need to use if I wanted to play video games. I could live with this terrible gamer injury though; it was worth waiting for the agonizingly long video gameless period to end while my blister healed because my old Dualshock 1 buddy was ALIVE AGAIN!
I also realized that the fresh feces that was sprayed all over the Superman 64 cartridge was beginning to reek, so I cleaned that up as well and tossed the game corpse and poopy mess outside in the trash. Well, actually that game is a poopy mess even when it is not literally covered in one. So I really should have just said that I tossed out a poopy mess and a pile of feces.
I cannot even claim that sleep deprivation was the cause for this atrocious blog. I was well rested when I wrote this. This blog was based on a true story. Did I really expel my bodily waste onto a copy of Superman 64? You shall never know for sure!