Sunday, December 13, 2009

A Terrible Journey into the Demon Infested Kingdom of Gamestoptaria.

So anways...Bah. I am like a gaming crackhead. I have been trying to avoid buying more games since I have little money coming in for myself, but stupid deals break down my defenses. is having a deal where all used games get you free shipping. So I bought Star Wars Battlefront ($12 complete) and Nascar Thunder 2004 (Don't laugh, it was for testing purposes. It was said to have a secret LAN mode that only shows up after you enter a code. I tried it and it works. It was only 4 bucks for a complete copy)

Soon after this, shamestop (gamesuck...gamestool...lamepool...tamedrool ...gameslop...lameslop...flamingplop...LOL, fine ok gamestop) sent me a sinister email declaring that the cruel and oppressive giant corporation was having a buy 2 get 1 free deal on used games. I felt like I was entering into a hostile place, a place rivaling the evil and hostility of the feared kingdom of Boleteria (If you get this reference to this PS3 game you are awesome) The trip to this terrible store of tortured games (who have been ripped of their dignity, their covers and manuals tossed away, leaving them naked, violated, confused. Now they are trapped in a horrible existence, stitting in generic plastic prisons created by the Gamestop corporation.) started out ominously. Their was a great rainstorm that made me have to drive extremely slowly and the roads were all but deserted. It seemed as if the general populice sensed that something was wrong about this gloomy night and hid away to protect their lives.

Once I arrived at the parking lot of this terrible establishment I had to walk swiftly from my car through the relentless pouring rain. This journey was only about 50 feet, but I was drenched to the bone after completing the brisk walk. Before even entering this death dealing gaming shop, I saw , to my horror, 2 sections of shelving sitting outside the store. As the distance between them and I inevitably shortened, I realized that my worst fears had come true. Contained on these shelves were nearly half of this merciless store's Playstation 2 stock. These poor wonderful contributions to the rich history of gaming were placed outside in a horrendous rainstorm with only a small part of the roof covering them from above. I examined these unfortunate fellows and as I had feared nearly all of them were completely drenched. The cases, cover art, and game manuals were all covered in foul smelling water. The proud identities of these games were fading from existence as the ink that made up the manuals and cover art ran off the paper...

I rummaged through the wounded and dying games. I knew most were too far near gaming death and I had to ignore their eery pleading stares and rescue the few games that were only mildly injured from the rain. I grabbed a few that were not yet mortally wounded and were able to be healed with some wipes from my sweater.

Emotionally scarred from the insane watery genocide I had witnessed, I stumbled into the store with my few liberated games. The warmth and dryness of the privileged games in this store only made my rage grow about their gaming brothers who were left for dead just feet away. But I realized I mustn't blame these fortunate games. It was not their fault, but the fault of the evil regime that ran this domain. I gathered up a stack of these dry games and brought them to the counter, a place where many poor games are sold into slavery by their Jack Ass owners. The strange creatures that stood behind this counter looked up at me. While looking into their blank stares, I informed these monsters about the condition of the games outside in the storm. They shrugged and said management told them to do that. So, these 2 masses of flesh in front of me were merely the footsoldiers of a stronger and hidden force...

A Gamestop Employee

A Gamestop Employee Emerging from A Refreshing "Sleeping" Period

These pawns of the gamestop corporation went about their task of finding the game discs for the cases I had brought to them. After a very long time, one of these teenage minions informed me that one of the game cases I had brought them had no disk behind the counter. "SUCH CRUEL TRICKERY", I thought to myself. But I restrained from voicing my rage, realizing this game was beyond saving and I should focus on saving another. I went and picked out another Playstation 2 game and brought it back to these evil employees. After yet another extremely long amount of time, this miniature satan informed me that once again the game for the case I had brought had apparently vanished. "These games are suffering so much that they must be escaping themselves", I thought. "But, without their artwork and manual, they would not last long in the outside world. A lone disc is a vulnerable object in the hostile realities of this bleak world." Again, I cautiously glanced through the store, hoping to find another video game to set free. I found a gameboy advance game and brought it back up to the counter. While operating the cash register, one containing a collection of cash earned through the annihilation of once noble games, I saw a box full of "$1.99 and under games". I looked through the dozens of EA sports and madden games, my expression changing to let these games know that even though they had committed their own atrocities towards gamers in the past, not even they deserved to be presented in paper sleeves like this.

I tried to connect with these strange beings behind the counter by nervously conversing with them. Saying, " I have never seen so many Madden games in my life" while pointing at the box of $1.99 and under games. The amoral employee let out a horrible laugh and said " I wish we could sell all the PS2 games in paper sleeves like that" Immediately, vomit rose up in the back of my throat. I realized that these former normal human beings had lost all traces of humanity now and were but empty shells dealing out the torturous destruction delegated to them by the rulers of the kingdom of Gamestoptaria.

All I could think about was getting out of this repuslive location, while the gamestop minion babbled on and on about taking a survery and being entered into a raffle for some dirty blood-soaked money. After my receipt was handed to me, I walked out of the store. I am a changed person. I shall never forget the things I saw this day. My grateful liberated games will always remind me of why I must avoid this place for as long as I can. But deep down I know, that there is a sick dark side of me that may overtake my sensibilities and con me into returning once again....

Games Liberated From The Kingdom of Gamestoptaria



Alien Hominid

Sega Classics Collection

Medal of Honor Frontline

Onimusha 2: Samurai's Destiny

Max Payne

Tenchu: Wrath of Heaven


Konami Collector's Series: Arcade Advanced

Classic NES Series: Castlevania

I may have hated the cruelty of this sick twisted kingdom of Gamestoptaria , but I am no angel or similar bird-like dead guy. I sold HAZE to these monsters. I hated the game so much that I have commited this terrible atrocitiy in order to ensure the game has a long period of unbearable torture at the hands of Gamestoptaria's demons.

Hopefully though, the unprecedented terribleness of HAZE can slowly eat away at the foundation of this vile kingdom, causing it to one day collapse on top of itself from the rapid manner in which the ASSHATical disease contained in HAZE has spread.



  2. you write too many sentences in parentheses in the middle of your sentences. you need to write in a word document before posting here, as your post is riddled with typos. and you tried too hard to be funny and go on about souls. ditch the lame clipart. nobody wants to see it.

    1. Seriously? You have the audacity to criticize this guy's sentence structure and blast him for his grammatical mistakes in the same typing breadth in which you begin sentences with lower case letters, over-use commas (grammatical errors), and you begin sentences with "And"! Ditch your own lameness 'cuz anybody who is somebody would want to see that! (In urban text language: U R N idiot! Of course, U've already heard this b4 so this does not come as eye-opening and mind-boggling news to you.)

    2. Hah thanks. I am bit curious how you ended up on this old blog of mine by the way.

  3. Thank you courageous person who bravely shows off his nickname when making criticisms. Oh wait...

  4. At least you got a good deal on the $2 games. An amusing creative non-fiction, lazyhoboguy.


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