My Last 2 Weeks= Puking, Pooping, Pure Hatred for GAMESTOP, and some new games.

Warning: This blog contains graphic talk about turd. Skip over this first section if you are afraid of natural bodily functions.

START OF TURD TALK

So, a lot of interesting stuff has happened since my last blog a couple weeks ago. I went back to my parents' house for 2 days during spring break to visit them. Upon my arrival, we went out to eat at restaurant called Black Angus. It is chain steak house restaurant. I had eaten there many times before so I was not alarmed by the fact that the name of the restaurant would mean "Black Anus" with the subtraction of only one letter G. I did not notice anything significantly wrong while eating the food that this Angus restaurant managed to squeeze out onto my plate. I did not feel sick for the few hours I was awake when I first got to my parents house. All of a sudden at 3am when I was trying to sleep though my stomach starting feeling like an angry midget was inside of it and was thrashing around in a drug fueled rage. I ran to the bathroom and had the most unpleasant type of bowel movement imaginable. The D word,. Diarrhea, aehrraiD backwards. I hoped the unpleasant feelings in my stomach would fade away after suffering through a most atrocious experience on the toilet, but I was very wrong. Every 20 minutes for the next 5 or 6 hours I had to run to the bathroom for countless sequels to the prior explosive diarrhea event.

I finally managed to fall asleep somehow for a few minutes after one of the many diarrhea attacks. But there was one climatic bathroom trip still lurking in the future. I woke up feeling even worse than before. My stomach was going crazy. I barely could make it to the bathroom before that damn diarrhea demanded to be freed. What was even worse…. while sitting on the can I felt a new feeling in my stomach…. a feeling that something was rising in it. I realized quickly that I was going to have puke. I was still sitting on the toilet dealing with the first expulsion of bodily waste. WHAT TO DO! Well there was a small trash can near me so I grabbed it and puked my guts out for 5 minutes straight. I eventually cleaned up and got out of that wretched traumatizing bathroom and slowly made my way to other end of the house and then collapsed on a couch where I slept for a day straight and woke up at 10pm.

I will not be eating out for a very very very very very long time.

END OF RECTAL RHETORIC

GAMESTOP……………………………………………………..

So, I could not resist the lure of the most immoral business in the known universe. Perhaps there is an even worse gaming establishment in existence in the butthole of the universe somewhere, but for now LAMESTOP takes the prize for being the most purely evil video game store in the cosmos. I foolishly went back into one of these sickening manifestations of corporate greed. I should have learned from the many times this chain of game defiling stores has screwed me over, but I was an idiot. I bought 3 games from this wretched buttmerchant. I bought Valkyria Chronicles on PS3 for 20 dollars new and got a sealed copy. I got Midnight Club 2 on PS2 for like 6 dollars used. The final game I got was Sly Cooper and the Thievius Raccoonus. "Those are not too bad prices" you might say. "What are you bitching about" you may think smugly to yourself. Well, 2 days later while checking my bank account I discovered that Gamestop I had given my money had decided to be idiotic puke monkeys and double charged my debit card for my purchase. So, today I went back to the store to get this stupid mistake of theirs fixed. Of course they had no clue how to help and could not even find the 2nd charge in the system. They gave me the number for the corporation itself to call because they could do nothing further to fix their mistake. I went home and fearfully dialed the 1800 number of death. I was calling the evil gaming empire itself. Merely filing a complaint to them might result in them sending one of their adolescent HALO3/CODMW2 fanboy assassins after me. But I bravely finished dialing the number. I am a cheap ass, as you must already know, so I could not stand to lose $32.71 because of Gamestop's ineptitude.

While on hold waiting for a customer service representative of the evil empire to converse with me, Mario and Zelda music began to leap from my cell phone into my ear. Those sly asshatical executives at gamestop, they must think that playing gamer music would calm my fury. No, I would not be tricked by this tainted offering of gaming music.

I finally started talking to a guy and he was surprisingly cheerful and told many unfunny and horribly cheesy jokes in an attempt to make me less perturbed at his employer. The phone connection was very bad and every like 3 seconds his voice would cut out momentarily. He informed me that this was a common problem with their phones. I assumed it must be so that his superiors would have the time needed to stealthily whip the call center's employees, masking their screams with the brief moments the phone lines cut out. No wonder this guy was so strongly upbeat on the phone, any small mistake and his masters probably would devour his flesh to feed their monstrous appetites. Yes Gamestop's upper management consists of monsters, ghouls, demons, and Dick Cheney- like beings.

Dealing with the ever present threat of violence from his masters, the poor Gamestop call center slave worked pretty efficiently and told me he would contact my bank to clear up the double charge. After I made this call, I checked my bank account again and noticed that actually the double charge had been refunded randomly a day or so before. I guess someone at Lamestop realized their mistake or something and tried to fix it, but since I was not notified at all I still ended up wasting an hour or so going back to that Gamestop and calling the oppressive corporation itself.

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok fine, I know I cannot resist the buy 2 get 1 free deals on used ps2 games they have 2 times a year. So…. Besides these rare sales,

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

I MAKE A VOW. NEVER AGAIN SHALL I GIVE GAMESTOP MY BUSINESS. THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!!!!!!!!!

From now on I will just buy my gaming crap online or make the long trip to the slightly overpriced independent games store at the other end of the city I live in. Every other time I give Gamestop business they do something to enrage me or completely make me lose faith in gamerkind.

What an odd picture from google images.

It is like a crackhead going to a drug dealer that randomly deals out uncalled for forceful kicks to his customer's testicles. Yet, this customer is so addicted to the product of the merchant that he soon forgets about his swollen nuts and returns to that same cruel merchant for more potential abuse. I shall no longer be like that crackhead.

I was going to talk about the 10 hours or so of Valkyria Chronicles I had played too, but I have already gone on for far too long. I will wait for the next blog to do that.

A long tale about how I saved a life with my amateur surgery skills.

I love my Dualshock one controller. Even though it came out for the Playstation 1 it still works with about half of all the Playstation 2 games that were released. The analog sticks on it are much more fluid in their movement and are built better. The face buttons are digital so they don't have that squishy feeling like on ps2 controllers which have the terrible pressure sensitive stuff built into them.

Pure Beauty!

I was madly in love with the Dualshock 1 ever since I picked up a used one from a thrift store for $4 a year ago. It was used and dirty when I acquired it, but I lovingly nursed the poor thing back to health with the help of some alcohol wipes and paper towels.

I used this controller for a year straight and I played a ton of ps2 games with my beloved controller. It had never had any problems in an entire year of using it. It was a used thrift store controller so who knows how many years someone else used and abused it before I even acquired it. On the other hand, every Dualshock 2(PS2 controller) I have used has had its analog sticks start to wear out after 2 or 3 months of heavy use.

My Dualshock 1 controller and I were quite the pair for this wonderful year of gaming bliss. Together we went on countless exciting adventures. Some of my plastic buddy and my gaming escapades included sniping people in the face in slow motion (sniper elite), rolling tons of random crap and Earth inhabitants up into a massive ball of death and awesomeness (Katamari Damacy), beheading undead monkeys (Timesplitters: Future Perfect and Timesplitters 2), tugging on giant boobs to kill enemies (Stretch Panic... really it's part of the game), having our minds blown (Rez,Frequency, Amplitude, Lumines Plus), creating a "naughty british dancing" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0vcun5XqM3c) video that was really a work of art (Cold Winter), and we gorily dismembered hundreds of jack ass gunman with various weapons.(Soldier of Fortune: Gold Edition).

So, today I was deeply troubled when I discovered that my old friend had something seriously wrong with him. My poor Dualshock 1's square button was nearing death. It would jam up after every 3 or 4 presses. I discovered this while playing the button mashy game called Dynasty Warriors 3. I guess my unlucky Dualshock 1's square button had already had a few too many mashes. My Dualshock 1 and I both knew that such vital button could not be allowed to be in this faulty condition for my gaming sessions and I knew the frightening thoughts that my Dualshock 1 could not help but think about.

It probably thought that since it was no longer functional it would be tossed into the garbage or sent back to a thrift store again. But no, I could not take the easy way out and dispose of my old amigo plastico. I had performed controller surgery before and I knew I could do it again. Unfortunately, I was just an amateur electronic gaming surgeon. I had only taken apart simple SNES controllers and opened up a Fat PS2 console (which resulted in disaster). I feared that the inside of a Dualshock 1 would contain more crazy electronic gizmos and mechanisms than I could handle. I feared that opening up the Dualshock lad would lead to his quick death.

I decided it was worth the risk to perform this hasty surgery. I could just spend 10 dollars to buy another Dualshock one and replace this one, but this one had too much sentimental value. I would use all of my lazyhoboskills to try to save the life of my beloved controller.

I tried doing some quick research to see what I was getting myself into. Unfortunately searching on google gave me no useful information. If you search for a Dualshock 1 or ps1 controller all you get is ps2 and ps3 stuff. I realized I had to just open up the controller and hope I could figure out what to do.

The mysterious innards of this wonderful piece of gaming engineering were sealed up by the collective defense of 7 tiny screws. I whipped out my screwdriver set and I thought I would make short work of these twisty metal rods that stood in my way. But when I opened up my screwdriver set a horrible site leaped out at me!!!!

RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mother Fucking RUST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What was even more alarming was that the rust was only on the one screwdriver that I needed. The other 5 or 6 in the set looked as good as new still. It was at that moment that I realized someone or something must be plotting a scheme to stop my attempts to resuscitate my fallen gaming pal. Some purposeful sorcery must have taken place in order for the one screwdriver I needed to be ravaged in such a shocking way.

I started surveying my crappy tiny tiny room that I mange to somehow not go mad in. I slowly scanned my surroundings to try to catch any hidden enemies that were lurking about. I was about to turn around and give up this search when I caught something in the corner of my eye.

You sneaky son of a Bitch!!!!!

It was my neglected Dualshock 2 controller peeking out from the cabinet below my TV! He certainly had an ample amount of motive for sabotaging my attempts to save my Dualshock 1 controller's life. Ever since the Dualshock 1 arrived my Dualshock 2 was usually banished to my cabinet in the bottom section of my TV stand. Over time he must have grown madder and madder at his sudden neglect, reaching an irreversible state where all that was left in his plastic mind were thoughts of utter insanity. It all made sense now. I confronted him and he of course denied my accusations of his participation in the aforementioned treachery. But I would not listen to the lies that spurted forth from his dirty controller mouth and I tossed him back in the dark cabinet to punish him. I pushed some random heavy junk in front of the cabinet doors to seal him in. He would not be disturbing me any time soon.

Dualshock 2s are as evil and disturbing as this image.

I tried to use the smaller screwdrivers on the screws, but they would not work. I knew that I had no choice left but to use the rusted screwdriver. I angrily wiped off as much rust from the screwdriver as I could using a paper towel. When I picked the tool up it still left a nasty residue on my hands. I lashed out at the Dualshock 2 by very loudly yelling out obscenities at him. I was so furious that I even made crude jokes about his mother (SONY). I was not sure if he was able to hear me since he was locked away in that cabinet dungeon. But seconds later, I could not help but smile when I could faintly hear his electronic weeping.

I managed to use the dirty rusted screwdriver to yank out the 7 screws on the Dualshock 1's backside. Before attempting to split my poor Dualshock 1 in half, I prayed to the gaming gods, begging for their guidance in this delicate operation. To show my reverence and earn their favor I pulled out a copy of Superman 64 and viciously released my bowels all over it. The gaming gods must surely be proud of me now! Confident in having supernatural aid in my gaming surgery, I returned to the task at hand.

I separated the Dualshock 1 in half. When I removed the back half of the controller I was greeted with a sight that completed discombobulated my simple mind. The amount of electronic wizardly that must have gone into creating the innards of this great controller must have been immense. I realized that my prior experience with opening up Super Ninendo controllers would be of little help to me. There was a main board where all the various microchips and metal junk was stuck too. There were a few different wires going from this. There was a green looking paper thick foldable sheet type of material that folded under the controllers buttons yet remained attached to the main circuit board thing. I tried to remember in my mind how the innards were held together as I pulled them apart, but it was impossible to remember every subtle detail of their organization.

I now had all of my unfortunate Dualshock 1's guts lying all over my floor. I figured I would worry about trying to but this mess back together again after I attempted to repair the Dualshock 1's Square Button. I examined the rubber piece that lies under the button and saw no problems with it. I looked at the button itself and saw nothing wrong with it. I was a bit puzzled as to what could be causing the button to jam then. I then noticed in the hole where the button resides, there was a tiny amount of nasty looking gunk. It was in the sides of the button hole, so it must have been pushing on the side of the button and causing it to become lopsided when pushed in, hence the occasional jamming. I used some trusty alcohol wipes to thoroughly get rid of any gunk I saw and hoped that this was the only thing causing the button to malfunction before.

Now that I had made my repair, I had to deal with putting the controller back together, but I had no idea howI was going to accomplish this . I spent nearly 2 hours trying various configurations of the controller guts to see how it was supposed to fit back together. I finally was able to figure it out and attempted to rejoin the controller's 2 shell halves. They would not close together at first, so I had to keep going back inside the controller and tried to make sure that everything was pushed down into the correct spots. After many of these attempts the controller shells finally started almost closing, I heard some pops as the pieces fit together and I rushed to grab the screws to make the this closure permanent. I used my strength to make sure that all the screws were in securely and worryingly turned my controller over to see if my repair had worked or if all my effort had been for nothing.

I nervously poked at the Square Button on my post-op controller and ….. it seemed to be functioning normally again!!!!!!!!!!! I tapped on the button continuously to see if it still jammed and it did not do so once! I tried this for about 30 seconds and I knew that the button was in great shape again.

My Dualshock 1 WAS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awwwwww how cute, the little guy started chasing his tail and got all tuckered out. He is back to his old self.

I did a dorky celebratory dance around the room (Really… I did haha). I had not felt such a sense of accomplishment and immense joy since beating the epic orgasmic amazing Demon's Souls. After I had stopped I noticed a sharp pain coming from one of my fingers. I looked down at it and realized I had not escaped the dangerous surgery with no negative consequences. My finger had a new nasty blister residing on it. It was from the amazing strength I used to turn the screwdriver to close up the controller. I guess I just did not realize how powerful I really was….

OUCHIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyways…the blister was starting to get all puffy and it was right on the spot I would need to use if I wanted to play video games. I could live with this terrible gamer injury though; it was worth waiting for the agonizingly long video gameless period to end while my blister healed because my old Dualshock 1 buddy was ALIVE AGAIN!

I also realized that the fresh feces that was sprayed all over the Superman 64 cartridge was beginning to reek, so I cleaned that up as well and tossed the game corpse and poopy mess outside in the trash. Well, actually that game is a poopy mess even when it is not literally covered in one. So I really should have just said that I tossed out a poopy mess and a pile of feces.

I cannot even claim that sleep deprivation was the cause for this atrocious blog. I was well rested when I wrote this. This blog was based on a true story. Did I really expel my bodily waste onto a copy of Superman 64? You shall never know for sure!

muahahahhahaha(*farts*)muahahahahahahahahhaha